Chris Walker Vs. The Breakfast Of A Champion

Dear Health Experts of America,

Shut up. All of you. Right now. Especially you, Rebecca Solomon of the Mount Sinai Medical Center. You’re upset because eight-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps is going to be on a box of Frosted Flakes, instead of Wheaties, since Frosted Flakes contains three times the amount of sugar and one-third the fiber?

From the New York Daily News, “The announcement yesterday that Phelps … would grace Frosted Flakes and Corn Flakes boxes instead of the traditional athlete’s choice of Wheaties left many perplexed.” The article continues with a quote from Solomon, “I would rather see [Phelps] promoting Fiber One. I would rather see him promoting oatmeal. I would even rather see him promoting Cheerios.” Really? Because I would rather see him promoting Toys R Us. Mikey P, with his swimming cap on, grinning enthusiastically while a giant giraffe blows him. BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Michael Phelps on a Frosted Flakes box instead of a Wheaties box is not perplexing. It’s not complicated. It’s simple: Kellogg’s offered more money than General Mills did and Phelps, probably realizing no one will care about him a month from now, chose the biggest payday. (Kellogg’s owns Frosted Flakes; General Mills owns Wheaties.) That’s it. You want to see Phelps on a box of Fiber One? Fiber One can’t afford Phelps. Kellogg’s can. It’s not about nutritional value. It’s about money. And when Phelps was presented with that check – jam packed with zeros – I highly doubt kid’s nutrition was on his mind. I’m sure it was more along the lines of, “Now I can finally hook up with Carrie Underwood.”

Who cares about cereal anyway? Frosted Flakes, Wheaties, they’re both horrible. I can’t even believe cereal is still on supermarket shelves. I almost forgot it was there. When was the last time anyone even bought cereal? We’re all at Jamba Juice or Starbucks or the McDonald’s drive thru…or maybe your girlfriend packs you a bag full of almonds and blueberries. I don’t even think kids eat cereal anymore. Maybe Count Chocula, but not Frosted Flakes or Wheaties. And if they are eating Frosted Flakes or Wheaties it’s probably because their parents make them, and if that’s the case it doesn’t matter who’s on the box, the kids don’t have a choice.

All these over-sensitive activists, “We have to protect the children.” Of course we do but not on this. When I was a kid eating cereal I was never under the impression that if I ate enough I would become a six-foot-six basketball player named Michael Jordan. I didn’t even like Wheaties, I liked Crispix. And I was more enthralled by the little mazes on the back of the box than who was on the front. Are kids today really so dumb that they believe they will become the person on their food boxes? Are young boys afraid to eat Triskets, fearing they’ll transform into Rachael Ray? If so, the problem doesn’t lie in what they’re eating for breakfast, it lies in parenting.

I tell you what, Rebecca Solomon and friends, if you want to get all huffy and puffy and act concerned about something, I have a suggestion. (Since we all know you’re not really concerned with Phelps being on a Frosted Flakes box. It’s a publicity stunt. The Olympics are huge right now and you want to cash in. This got your name in the paper. I understand.) Instead of wasting your time on cereal, why don’t you focus your attention on Electronic Arts’ John Madden football franchise. This August, EA and 7-Eleven – home of the microwavable burrito and heat-lamped taquito – have teamed up to promote the new Madden NFL 09 video game. Now, when you stop by your local 7-Eleven to buy a king-sized candy bar and nachos, you can also pick up the latest installment of the most popular sports video game of all time. Why don’t you grab a “Madden Meal” while you’re at it? Including Frito Lay potato chips, a sub sandwich, a Snickers bar, and a collectible Big Gulp cup, it’s exactly what you need to go pro. Nothing says “I want to be an NFL football player” like potato chips and soda.

Never, not even once, have I met a child who wanted to be a professional swimmer. I have, however, met countless ones who aspire to be professional football players, who’ve found role models in professional football players, and play football video games. (What can I say, I hang out on playgrounds a lot.) You health experts have your priorities backwards. You’re worried about what the current celebrity of a sport that is only acknowledged ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS is endorsing while the definitive football franchise, Madden, the one all young males know and play and clamor for, associate itself with what is essentially the worst form of “food” imaginable, completely unchecked. And you call yourself experts? You’re stupid. No wonder we have a childhood obesity epidemic that we can’t solve. You should all go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. You deserve a spanking.

LINKS:
Breakfast of a champion? Frosted Flakes! Phelps signs with cereal

EA Promoting Launch of Madden NFL 09 at 7-Eleven(R) Stores Nationwide

Posted: August 21st, 2008 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Social Commentary | 11 Comments »