Chris Walker Vs. A Treasure Trove Of Inadvertent Hilariousness

I know Craigslist — the online destination for everything from home swapping to selling vital organs — has been around for a long time. And apparently everyone is on Craigslist doing, well, something. Everyone but me, that is. I’d never been on Craigslist until a month ago and, although I knew it existed, I honestly had no clue what was going on there. Then a friend told me I had to see something called “Missed Connections.”

Missed Connections, for those of you who don’t know, is the place you go on Craigslist when you think you’ve made a connection with a stranger yet, circumstances kept you from acting on that perceived connection. Let’s say, for example, you were shopping at Barnes and Nobles and thought the pierced, goth girl who rang up your copies of Maxim and High Times was attractive but you didn’t have the balls to ask her for her phone number. You go on Missed Connections and profess your undying love to pierced, goth girl, with the hope she’s narcissistic enough to care if any of the hundred or so customers she came in contact with that given day fancied her but didn’t have the fortitude to say so. And then, in the off chance she actually reads your post and identifies herself, you hope she doesn’t remember you as the creepy guy in the Spider Man t-shirt and track pants (which you probably are) and contacts you for date.

Missed Connections is perhaps the most brilliant, unintentional comedy I have ever witnessed. It’s an uproarious exercise in desperation, cataloged over and over for your reading pleasure. I’ve gathered some of my favorites, which I would like to share with you now.

Shel, Hope you got the video – m4w – 41 (where i’m supposed to be)

It says everything I feel!!

today was an almost awesome day: golf with the flat rock crew in the morning, took mandy to the park, chilled out at home for awhile, all thats missing is you sweetheart

J

I can just imagine “Shel” sitting in front of her computer reading this, beside her a FedEx’d videotape containing a poorly lit and long-winded plea from a guy with a mustache in a striped polo. Initially, Shel wanted nothing to do with J but then she read his Missed Connection, something J could’ve just as easily e-mailed Shel, but decided Craigslist was a more direct channel of communication. J was right. “What?” Shel asked herself as she read the missed connection. “He went golfing with the Flat Rock Crew and chilled out at home for awhile? I thought J was a douchebag but I was wrong. After reading this, I just have to have him inside me!”

Scared to say – m4w – 45 (Carson)

You work at 7 eleven on hwy 50 Across from taco bell one night you had to pee but you waited on me any way. Me tall black male you maybe to young for me but very haelthy just the way I dream of.Let me know if someone has your heart if not you have mine.

I like to envision what would happen if this message on Missed Connections actually led to a relationship.

“So, how’d you two meet?”
“Well, I was just working my shift at The Sev, you know, the one by Taco Bell. Anyway, I needed to take a giant shit but Steve just had to have his menthol cigarettes and Mountain Dew so, I rang him up before I went and stank up the ladies room. Later that night I got home and checked Craigslist; lo and behold, there was this message. I just knew it was Steve. The way he sounded like a caveman and obviously has no comprehension of spelling or grammar, it just turned me on! We’re expecting our first child in December.”

Then there’s this personal favorite, which I found in the Men For Men section:

Handsome gentleman with beard at Outback – m4m – 52 (Outback Steakhouse, Reno)

We were both alone sitting in the bar area, early Saturday evening, in separate tables and facing each other. You were a handsome man with blond beard and glasses and wearing shorts. I wanted to say something but I had to wait until the end of my dinner. We both ordered “Rack of Lamb.” Would love to meet for a drink or dinner sometime.

While not blatantly humorous, I love it for its subtleties. First of all, it’s oddly refreshing to know there are 52 year-old gay males in the Reno area. Secondly, I didn’t know “handsome” and “blond beard” could go in the same sentence; it seems like an impossible combination. Third, I like how our author points out they both had “Rack of Lamb”. And not just rack of lamb, no, Rack of Lamb with capital letters and quotation marks. Like, super rack of lamb. I don’t know, maybe I’m just not in the loop; is “Rack of Lamb” gay code for “raging hard-on” or something?

Missed Connections is a treasure trove of inadvertent hilariousness. The desperation is palpable; the delusion is plentiful. More than anything, though, I think the abundance of bad grammar is a firm indication of how much we’ve declined as a society. It brings to mind a part of comedian Greg Giraldo’s standup where he compares the love letters of Civil War soldiers to those of Iraqi War soldiers. Giraldo read a book where, even though the Civil War soldiers were very young and barely educated, every letter read like, “My dearest Hannah, … I’ll bear your cherished memory with me as I battle the forces of tyranny and oppression,” Meanwhile, Giraldo said, imagine an Iraqi War solider writing to his girlfriend in New Jersey, “Dear Marie, it is hot as fuck out here … It’s hard to fight these sand monkeys with your balls sticking to your leg … what else did I wanna axe you? Oh yeah, don’t fuck nobody ‘til I get back.” Not to discredit anything the troops in Iraq are doing but it’s true. We’ve lost our mastery over diction and lack eloquence when it comes to writing. Me included. At least I have the decency to use spell check and know synonyms for ‘amazing.’ I’ve met people who take pride in their inability to know the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’, and have pathetic excuses for their horrible writing like, “Oh yeah, I just write like I talk.” Well, guess what? You talk like an idiot.

Honestly, I’m not bothered by subpar wordsmiths or the delusional, hopeless romantics / borderline stalkers that litter Craigslist. I love them for the endless entertainment they provide. I love them for giving me the opportunity to say, “At least I’m not that pathetic.” I mean, without them, what else would I do? Read “mommy blogs”? I’ll pass. Long live the Missed Connections.

BONUS MISSED CONNECTION:

I’m pretty sure this one is fake. Nevertheless, it’s fantastic.

False Teeth – m4w – 25 (Winners Corner Elko)

You worked at the Winners Corner in Elko. I was coming back to Reno in my Ford Pinto(just got it after my raise from Walmart.)I smiled at you and you threw up and you teeth came out and landed in my shirt pocket I didn’t realize it until I got home. Let me know your hours and the days you work and I’ll bring them back.
Sorry I’m hard to look at.(Dinner with me one night?).

xxxooxxx
Cleatus

Posted: July 30th, 2008 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Idiots, Social Commentary | 8 Comments »