Chris Walker Vs. Validation And The Illusion Of Commitment
I hate Billy Corgan. With a passion. Billy Corgan, founder of the Smashing Pumpkins, is perhaps the most insufferable person on the planet. Hearing his name sends me into frenzy; if Billy Corgan was a small country I would bomb it and enslave anyone who survived.
I used to think Corgan was a genius. Despite the fact he sounds like a dying cat and looks like Willem Dafoe in Shadow of the Vampire, Corgan was a great songwriter. The Pumpkins’ 1993 album, Siamese Dream, is an undisputed classic. The band’s follow-up, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, is arguably the most epic album to come out of the nineties. But by the time Pumpkins bassist D’arcy Wretzky and guitarist James Iha left for less-douchy pastures, it was apparent to everyone: Corgan had been consumed by his ego. I mean, who puts a full-page ad in the Chicago Tribune, claiming he wants his old band back, just to end up with the same drummer he’s been with since his band broke up?
As narcissistic and stupid as Billy Corgan is, you know who is even more stupid? A woman who take a promise ring seriously.
A promise ring, if you’ve never heard of it, is often considered a precursor to an engagement ring. It’s supposed to signify monogamy or great commitment. It doesn’t. What a promise ring is, is actually a way to get a nagging girlfriend to shut up about “taking things to the next level” without spending three-months salary.
I forgot promise rings existed. Promise Ring, the band, broke up in 2002, and I haven’t been in junior high for a long time. When I heard promise rings were still around my face made that scrunched up, confused look, as if someone had farted and the putrid vapors had finally hit my nostrils. Then I put it on my list of things I no longer acknowledge yet still exist, right below Bloods and Crips and Women’s Studies Majors.
The promise ring is good idea for men, though, especially those who aren’t ready for life-long commitment. This way, a guy can make his girlfriend feel validated (validation being what the majority of women want out of a relationship) without putting anything at risk. An engagement ring tells a woman: I want to spend forever with you, you can start planning our wedding now (or, in my case it means: ruin my life for a year and then I’ll break up with you). A promise ring says nothing, you can’t plan a wedding after you’ve received one. Unless you’re planning it in your head. All you really get to do is wait that much longer for the real deal. Or, perhaps: indefinitely.
I had a girlfriend that kept hassling me about new ways to show our commitment to the world, something the world never really asked for. After months of incessant badgering I finally caved in and bought her a promise ring. She was elated. In fact, she was so thrilled she threw a party with her girlfriends to celebrate the momentous occasion. Midway through the festivities I called her and let her know I was breaking up with her; I just couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone so stupid. Sure, she cried then but, ultimately, I think I taught her a valuable lesson: not to take stock in ridiculous trinkets that don’t mean anything, and to not harass future boyfriends who obviously aren’t ready to settle down for the rest of their lives. I also sent her a Smashing Pumpkins CD, she used it as a beer coaster.
UPDATE 06.27.08: VALIDATION AND THE ILLUSION OF COMMITMENT… IN THE MEDIA
Know who Katy Perry is? You will. Her “I Kissed A Girl” song is EVERYWHERE.
It’s clever enough, and it’s about girl-on-girl action so I’m certainly not against it. Pockets, a long-time Perry fan, wasn’t really feeling the song. “Judging from your silence you must disagree,” she said, a couple moments after telling me. “No,” I replied. “It’s just not a song I feel very passionate about. Sure, I like it but I’m not going to go to bat for it.” And therein lies the joy of mainstream pop singles: they’re fun for about a month and then they’re replaced by something else. You don’t have to take them seriously. At all. Unless they’re “Since U Been Gone.” Then they’re a juggernaut to be reckoned with.
Anyway, word has it Perry’s boyfriend, Tattooed Guy From That One Band That Had A Hit One Time, recently gave Perry a promise ring and I think it’s a great example of just how ridiculous the promise ring really is. TGFTOBTHAHOT has been dating Perry for years, Perry was even in his music video. He never felt the need to publicly profess his love for Perry before, but now his girlfriend is a hot commodity; she has a hit single, and she’s garnering a lot of attention from male celebrities who’d love to see her naked.
Homeboy feels threatened. And understandably so. But by getting Perry a promise ring now, all it is is an indication of his immense insecurity as Perry’s celebrity status rises. It’s sad and pathetic. To show my disapproval, I promise never to buy a Gym Class Heroes album again. Not that I ever did in the first place. Furthermore, I hope Perry does the right thing and hooks up with John Mayer. I love that guy.
Posted: June 26th, 2008 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Social Commentary | No Comments »
“I put it on my list of things I no longer acknowledge yet still exist, right below Bloods and Crips and Women’s Studies Majors.”
HAHAHAHAH. We should make this list into a book. Guidance for younger generations.
Oh, for sure. I’ll make this into a book as soon as I finish my children’s book.
You know, I’ve never met a Women’s Studies Major but it seems like a nicer way of saying, “I have no clue what my career path should be.” I mean, what can you even do with that?
This is good: http://www.boundless.org/2000/features/a0000225.html.
I hate working with the Women’s Studies policy people. They make life miserable. It is only about them and the struggles of women blah blah blah.
Just fucking get up and make something of your life you whinny bitch! Everyone wants a free ticket, and we study this now? It must be a new art form. How to get what you want by complaining: Women’s Studies 101.
I sound like such a dude.
Katy Perry is really hot.
I got a promise ring once. I wonder what ever happened to that guy….
Jen: You’re not talking about who I think you’re talking about, are you?
Oh God no. Ha. I probably haven’t told you about the fact that I have been engaged three times, have I?
Ha. I love the multiple engagement club. I have zero engagement notches on my belt– but for one more month I am 21 and for awhile will still be early into my prime attractive and irresponsible without a cause years (so I suppose anything can happen). Marriage, when it happens to people near my age or younger, are women who have accidentally gotten pregnant and are forcing it, or men who have given in to letting a woman control their lives (read pussies). Promise rings are for the smart men who have escaped those two things and have yet to make a serious decision about who they’d like to wed/penetrate/watch get fat. I think this ring says to Katy, “Look ho, I’d still like to get it on. Meantime, nothing serious, but I promise to be around for awhile until one of us decides to date someone better.” I’ve realized that a promise ring is a young and smart way to prove a small sense of commitment merely to avoid a costly, embarrassing joke of a wedding and then the inevitable, miserable divorce or annulment. Hopefully she gets the message, and hopefully all females learn the underlying meaning of the promise ring.
I do not want a promise ring. Go big or go home. Having a good relationship does not require any form of a rock on your hand. I was engaged once, and like Jen, we would most likely tell every woman to wait.
Post Script: Prime attractive years are in the 30’s. Believe me. A woman has it on then. She knows what she wants, she has matured, and she knows how to work that. That is hot.
“…looks like Willem Dafoe in Shadow of the Vampire.”
LOL, noice.