Chris Walker Vs. The Nevada Beer Fest

Here’s a great thing to do if you’re ever in downtown Reno: leave. It sucks.

That’s an unfair thing to say. For tourists and newcomers to the Reno area it’s probably a great place to mingle with morally vacant co-eds and drink copious amounts of alcohol. For me, it’s always a redundant high school reunion and “Who’s Who” of characters from my past. It gets old quick.

Friday night Dong Wang, Chuck, and I went to the Eldorado Hotel and Casino to attend this thing called the Nevada Beer Fest put on by some local alumni organization. Which one? I’m not sure nor do I care. The entire point of this excursion was to: 01.) drink an excessive amount of beer for twenty bucks; 02.) deeply offend a lot of people; 03.) get my buddies laid; and 04.) entertain myself and friends at the expense of others.

I’m proud to say I knocked three of four out of the park.

We started pre-drinking at my house which was probably not the greatest idea since it defeats the goal of taking full advantage of a beer fest. Kind of. In my opinion it’s like stretching before the big game. You don’t just go out there and start playing, you warm up and prepare yourself, you know? We killed a sixer of Budweiser while watching the Dave Attell’s Insomniac Tour DVD featuring Sean Rouse, Greg Giraldo, and Dane Cook. If you don’t own it you need to.

Showing up to the beer fest an hour late, the place was packed. They’d already run out of souvenir glasses so we only had to pay $20 instead of $25. The price decrease was good and the lack of trinkets was no big deal as I figured people would get drunk, leave their souvenir glasses lying around, and I would then take one – which is exactly what happened. Bad part was I got too drunk and left my stolen glass lying around somewhere and it too disappeared. Not a big deal though, they sort of sucked anyway.

Extremely soused and halfway through the beer fest a posse of “emo kids” walked past us. Dong Wang knew one of them and told me, “Emo chicks think they’re so cool. Those girls won’t even talk to you unless you wear eyeliner and cry.” That made me laugh. Emo chicks? Give me a break. And how about emo guys? Wow, you’re in touch with your feelings, good for you. Stop pouting and making out with your same sex friends, move out of your parent’s house, and get a job somewhere other than Hot Topic, you oversensitive douchebag. How did My Chemical Romance putting out a hit record make you cool? Oh, that’s right, it didn’t. You’re an idiot.

By the way: the band Thursday sucks, if you’re interested.

One of the emo girls came over to talk to Dong Wang. Mid-conversation I leaned over and said, “Hey, I didn’t know the leader singer of Fall Out Boy was going to be here,” referring to the only guy in her group. The joke went right over her head or maybe she didn’t notice her friend trying to pull off the long sideburn, stupid hat, semi-flannel shirt uniform the leader singer from Fall Out Boy is always wearing on TRL. Either way, she left immediately after the comment.

At some point I ran into a girl I used to date. For this story we’ll give her a Native American pseudonym: Drinking Proud Chest. Why? Evidently her tits are her greatest asset. I guess she grew some good sized cans after a couple years of maturity and alcohol. News to me but everyone else seemed to be in awe over them so why not, she can have an Indian name to commemorate them.

Dong Wang and Chuck were absolutely flabbergasted when I told them I dated Drinking Proud Chest so I made it a point to talk to her, if only for their amusement. Pretty soon Drinking Proud Chest and I were reminiscing on the long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away when we dated for roughly five minutes. Sometime during the talk she said, “Yeah, but you never got to see the twins, did you?” I said, “Twins? What twins? We used to take your baby sister for walks in the park.” Then she told me she was talking about her tits. I don’t know if I ever saw them. Obviously they didn’t leave much of a lasting impression.

The best was later in the night when I was annoying the shit out of Drinking Proud Chest and her friend when the friend asked me, “Are you staring at her boobs?” I had to laugh. 01.) No, I wasn’t. I know how awesome you girls think Drinking Proud Chest’s tits are but I really wasn’t staring. I was probably off in my own alcoholic dream world, to be honest. I never look at clothed boobs for more than a second anyhow because it’s a waste of my time. If I want to gawk at boobs I’ll just go home – there’s someone there more than happy to show me hers at moment’s notice without all the “blah, blah, blah,” and nonsense. 02.) Even if I had been looking, so what? It’s not like I even had to try; they were on display like they were at a fucking car show. Here, I’ve got this automobile out on the showroom floor but don’t look at it. Don’t you dare look at it! I don’t want you to look at this car but I’m putting it out here for everyone to see. I’m even going to talk about how great the car is but don’t look at it, you pervert! Please. It reminds me of the spiel Greg Giraldo goes on in the Insomniac DVD I mentioned earlier.

He’s hilarious, by the way.

Side Note: I’m only making a big deal out of this because I found it so hilarious how many times these girls brought up the boobs. If you read this, Drinking Proud Chest (and you know who you are): you’re great but I don’t give a shit about your tits. I understand how incredible everyone thinks they are but they don’t stand out as a pinnacle of excellence, sorry to disappoint you. Furthermore, if I see you out in a social setting again and the boobs come up I’m just going to talk incessantly about my giant dick to level the playing field.

After, during, or before the tit incident Chuck and I were over at this martini bar called Roxy where a guy we knew, I think his name is Drew, was drunk and talking about how mean people were in high school. It’s like dude, that was six years ago – move on, who the fuck cares? Cool part was he was with this really nice couple. They were high school sweethearts (I think) and actually ended up getting married. I hung out with them for a while and insisted they come over for dinner sometime since I’ve become such an epic cook. I doubt they’ll call though because I was really drunk and probably scared the shit out of them.

Oh well, these things happened.

I saw my friend Golden at a bar called Brew Brothers. She has friends who are sisters that make out with each other and get into fist fights with guys. It’s great. Never a dull moment with that crew, and I thought I was out of control. I hung out with them briefly but spent most of my time in Brew Brothers texting the Mrs.

After that I was hanging with Chuck and an old acquaintance I was trying to hook him up with – we’ll call her The Red. It was great; I was talking to The Red, building Chuck up while exposing all his vulnerable lady traits (which girls love) when The Red told me, “You have to be the best wingman ever.” Speaking of wingmen, I learned (and later forgot) the migration pattern of birds from these two relatively sober girls who showed up way too late in the game. I almost felt bad for them. They were way too nice and way too sober for our level of debauchery. I hope I didn’t horribly offend them.

Hands down, the highlight of the evening h
as to go to drive home incident. This fucking chick, I don’t even know what to call her. How about: The Tease.

The Tease started off cool. At the Heineken booth, at the beer fest, they had an Amstel Light blanket. As the Heineken guys were tearing down their booth Dong Wang and I convinced The Tease to go get the blanket. She got the Heineken guys to give it to her and I gave her high accolades for doing so. Then I forgot she existed until I was telling Dong Wang to take her home and bang her.

It was when Dong Wang was telling me he was going to take The Tease home that I was like, “Great, let’s get her to drive us to my house while we’re at it. Tell her my place is yours, say whatever you want – I’ll play along.” It ended up working. We were walking to the parking garage and I was saying shit like, “Yeah, dude, don’t forget I’ve got your keys,” because if I can promote my friends by claiming my shit is theirs – so be it. I don’t care. We got to the parking lot and it turns out The Tease drives an old school, convertible Jeep. I was like, “Yes, this chick is awesome. Date this girl, Dong Wang!” She got the blanket, she drove a Jeep, how could she possibly be bad?

I’ll tell you how.

Driving out of the parking lot, Dong Wang tells The Tease to drive us back to his house (my house), which is on South Meadows. She freaks out. “What, I’m not driving to South Meadows. My parents live out there. I can’t drive to South Meadows.” How the fuck did she even let us in the car if she had a problem taking us somewhere? I told her it was no more than 10 minutes away if she got on Highway 80 but she just wasn’t having it, “I can’t drive that far.” Then, The Tease took us with her to get gas. Great, just what I wanted to do. While Dong Wang and I were alone in the car I told him, “All right dude, you need to get your fucking A-Game on. I’ll act passed out so you can sweet talk this girl. Do whatever you have to, just get her to drive us home.”

To Dong Wang’s credit he laid it on thick – just not thick enough. There was no way this chick was going to drive us to my house. So, I came out of my fake coma and said, “Alright, take us back to the fucking Eldorado. We’ll get a ride there. This is fucking ridiculous.” I was pissed. On the way out of the Jeep I threw the Amstel blanket at Dong Wang and told him we were keeping it for having to endure the bullshit. The Tease didn’t say shit. It wasn’t until I was out of the Jeep, blanket in hand, that The Tease begged Dong Wang for the blanket back. At first, I wouldn’t give it to him – I’d rather throw it in a trashcan than return it. However, I quickly became bored so I threw it back at him just so we could get off the side of the street.

This was our conversation in the elevator ride back to the Eldorado:

Me: Why’d you give her the fucking blanket back?
Dong Wang: Because she asked for it.
Me: Who cares? After that shit we deserved it.
Dong Wang: Yeah, but I wanted to hook up with her.
Me: Okay, are you hooking up with her?
Dong Wang: No.
Me: Then why the fuck’d you give it back?

Dong Wang saw the logic, reluctantly, and hopefully learned his lesson. Probably not though, as we were both wasted. Back in the Eldorado we found Chuck; I was mean to an old girlfriend of his (sorry) and we all decided it was time to leave.

Several miles and bags of Del Taco later we were all on my couch, happily watching Dane Cook, laughing about things we will never remember. Overall, I’d say the debauchery level was high and the night was good.

If we hurt your feelings, sorry, you’re oversensitive.

UPDATE:

I just got this message from The Red:

Very entertaining Walker, I’m proud to see that a quote of mine has made your blog. It true, you were spitting some good game for your buddy there! good times. I have to say, you gave The Tease quite the hard time though. I have to hand it to her for retaining the sweet blanket she schemed for. Maybe I’m biased because she’s my little sis and I taught her well, to steal as many alcoholic trinkets as possible. I do agree that the driving bit was lame- major loss of points on her behalf.

EDIT 1: I’d like to make a correction, upon arriving home I was just informed I do NOT get to see the Mrs.’ chestal region at moments notice by the Mrs. herself. I am now in trouble. See the sacrifices I make to entertain you?

EDIT 2: Oh yeah, another thing, contrary to popular belief (the Mrs.’ opinion) I did not spend half the blog talking about an ex-girlfriend’s tits. I spent half the blog making fun of a ex-girlfriend who is far too into her own tits.

I’ve said it before: women, they read what they want.

Posted: April 18th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »