Chris Walker Vs. John Mayer And The Mixtape

Bring. Back. The. Mixtape.

I found those words in the April 2008 issue of GQ, exactly as presented, in “Treat Me Right!” a six-page spread about, you guessed it, how to please women. When I read women, or at least the ones made up by GQ*, still appreciate the mixtape I got so excited I hi-fived myself. I love the mixtape. Much of my high-school dating career can be attributed to the mixtape. There are former-teenage girls who still possess my intricate song selections, cataloged on tape, and encased in a plastic shell. That’s not even wishful thinking, it’s fact.

Of course, Bring. Back. The. Mixtape. came with a stipulation… as do most things involving women. Sure, they want the mixtape back but they also want to tell you which songs you can’t include. Of those that made the short-list:

“Fuck You Tonight” by the Notorious B.I.G. featuring R. Kelly
“The Stroke” by Billy Squire
“Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” by Snoop Dogg and friends.

You mean to tell me songs that encourage sex with entourages or to forgo wining and dining for “fucking” and leftover spaghetti don’t get chicks in the mood? I don’t believe you.

While the first three do-not-include tracks were clearly placed for humor, I found the fourth pick, “Your Body Is A Wonderland” by John Mayer, to be a little more baffling. I remember a time not too long ago when “Wonderland” was thee panty-dropping anthem. If a woman was in your bedroom anywhere between late 2001 to mid 2002, and you played that song for her, she would immediately take off her pants and mount you. Women could not control themselves. I played “Wonderland” at a party one time and it turned into a full-on orgy. It was insane. And that would be a completely true story if I didn’t just make it up.

But seriously, there was a time when every woman loved “Wonderland” and yearned for a man to utter that orgasm-inducing phrase to her (I preferred: your body is a junior-high playground). But now you mention “Wonderland” and a woman’s vagina dries up quicker than the Serengeti during drought season. Why? I dusted off my ol’ Room For Squares CD and gave track four a spin. It’s still great. Compare the following excerpt from “Your Body Is A Wonderland” to any current love song:

“There’s something ‘bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillow case
You tell me where to go
And though I might leave to find it
I’ll never let you head hit the bed without my hand behind it…”

Still sexy. So sexy, in fact, I want Mayer to make love to me.

There can only be one explanation as to why women now cringe when they hear “Wonderland” and it’s so obvious I should kick myself for not realizing it sooner: millions of women were duped by this song. How many young co-eds do you think found themselves in this compromising situation: she goes home from the club, bar, foam party with a guy she only has the intention of mashing faces with and/or giving a tug job to; he puts on “Your Body Is A Wonderland” and – tada! – she decides, “Well, I might as well have sex with him now.” I’m sure that scenario happened to millions of women. And not once. No, the same girl was probably involved in heavy petting elsewhere, talking about “taking it slow” and “commitment,” when Mayer came on crooning about a deep sea of blankets and if you want love, we’ll make it and before she knew it she was completely naked. “Wonderland” undoubtedly evokes a lot of bad memories of questionable hook-ups for women everywhere and therefore; they hate it. Not since Silk’s “Freak Me” has a song had such powerful influence over woman’s desire to “give it up.”

Silk: Freak Me
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIzb32F6ZLA&hl=en]

I think John Mayer gets a raw deal. Sure, he’s written a couple “gay” songs like “Waiting On The World To Change” and “Daughters” (in fact, you can pretty much ignore 2003’s Heavier Things) but Mayer also penned “City Love,” a song about drinking at a bar until 2 AM with a chick that leaves her toothbrush at his apartment and wears his shirts to work. Any guy who’s ever hooked up with a girl for an extended period of time, whether he lives in a big city or not, can appreciate that song. And “Vultures”? Mayer’s song “Vultures” is cool and it will make women dance to blues guitar. Not the women that typically dance to blues guitar, we’re talking about attractive women. Or how about “I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You)”? While it may sound super sensitive, it’s actually a song in which Mayer admits he’s non-committal, makes no apologies or vows to change, and saying: get all the dick you can while the gettings good.

Do I even need to mention the copious amount of women he’s slept with? There was Jessica Simpson, pre-Romo (and pre-Moomoo). From there he hooked up with Minka Kelly. Who is Minka Kelly, you ask?

That’s Minka Kelly. And while that scorching piece of tail would probably domesticate the average male, it didn’t stop Mayer. He was like, “Yeah, you’re hot and all but I think I’m going to go bang Cameron Diaz now.” After Diaz he nailed Jennifer Aniston. Then he hooked up some random over the weekend, went back to hang out with Aniston poolside and Aniston was like, “It’s cool. You’re John Mayer, you need to bang chicks; I’m just happy to be here.” Keep in mind, these are just a few of the high-profile females we know about; how Mayer’s head hasn’t exploded from all the hot ass he gets is beyond me. The man is certifiably awesome.

* I cannot confirm GQ made up the women polled for their “Treat Me Right” special; it’s just a hunch.

Posted: May 15th, 2008 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: John Mayer, Women | 5 Comments »