Chris Walker Vs. The Guy Who Wanted To Race Me

This incident occurred when I lived with the Wild Indian in Las Vegas. The Wild Indian and I were at a fraternity brother’s apartment for a party. It was early in the fall semester so all of our pledges were there. I’m typically mean to pledges but on this particular night I was being uncharacteristically friendly. One pledge, I think his name was Paul decided to capitalize on this moment of congeniality by challenging me to one of my favorite past-times: a drinking contest.

I told him, “Fine, you want to drink with me? We’ll drink all night.” He was game. We drank until 2:00 AM when the beer ran out. He was drunk and it showed. Nevertheless, he wanted to continue. He was saying stuff like, “Walker, I love you, man. I love you. You can’t drink worth shit but I love you.” By this point, I should have seen the sign that said: YOUR NIGHT CAN ONLY GO DOWNHILL FROM HERE, but what can I say, I was drunk and missed it. I told Paul, “Fine, we’ll settle this. It’s 2:00 AM; I’ve got a sixer of New Castle and a four pack of Guinness at my apartment. We’ll go there and drink them all. If you can keep up you’re good by me and I won’t give you shit for the rest of your pledge period.” And it was on.

We got back to my apartment, and no one was home. Paul stumbled in and sat down on the couch. I gave him a New Castle and we started drinking. Within a couple minutes of chit-chat awkward moment one occurred.

Paul says to me: “Dude, you got any pornezzi?”
Me: “Any what?”
Paul: Pornezzi!
Me: “The fuck is pornezzi?”
Paul: “You know: porn?”
Me: “Oh. I don’t know. We might.”
Paul: “We should watch one.”

Just so happens, the Wild Indian and his girlfriend had been watching porn in the living room the night before and left the tape in the VCR. How convenient. Personally, I found Paul’s request strange but being drunk and feeling the need to oblige my guest I turned the tape on. It got uncomfortable quick. I started beer number two; Paul was still on beer number one, quickly on his way to losing our drink-off. I decided it was time for a cigarette.

The porn was still playing in the background when we went out onto the patio. I ignored it and smoked. Regardless of the events taking place I tried to have a normal, drunken conversation when awkward moment number two happened.

Paul says to me: “Hey Walker, you ever race before?”
Me: “Like running race? Yeah.”
Paul: “No, you ever raced before?”
Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Paul: “You know, when you jack off and see who can cum the fastest.”
Me [awkwardly]: “Ha. Ha. No, man. Can’t say I’ve ever done that before.”
Paul: “Walker, we should race.”

Anyone a little freaked out by this? All of you? What a coincidence, me too. As you might imagine, the uncomfortable level skyrocketed from mild to extreme. I tried to laughed it off, finished my cigarette, and headed back inside. I didn’t know what to do; I wasn’t sure whether to be mad or scared or what. I couldn’t believe what this guy just said. I grabbed beer number three and tried to compose myself, tried to let it go. Paul hadn’t finished beer number one. The porn was still on. There were two couches in my living room; I sat down on the empty one. Awkward moment number three took place as Paul came over to try and sit down next to me. I mean right next to me.

Me: “All right, dude, I’m calling it a night. I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket and you can sleep on the couch. I’m going to bed.”
Paul: “No Walker, I’m going wherever you’re going.”
Me [laughing]: “No dude, seriously. I’ll go get you some shit. You can sleep out here.”
Paul: “Come on, Walker. Let’s go to your room.”
Me [really trying to laugh]: “Seriously, I’ll go get you a pillow.”

I figured if I could just give him a pillow, leave him in the living room, and lock my door he’d sleep it off and I’d take him back to his dorm after some much needed rest. I would have driven him back immediately but we’d been having a drinking contest all night; I had no business driving. I got off the couch and headed toward my room when the fourth and final awkward moment transpired: as I was walking Paul got up and threw his arms around my shoulders, from behind, saying, “Walker, I want to come with you.” I spun around and shoved him off me. He stumbled back and I told him, “Alright, that’s it. You’re going home.”

To this day I don’t know why I didn’t just knock him out or throw him out the front door and leave him to his own fate. You always think you know what you’d do if a situation like that happened but when it actually does, you have no clue. It’s weird. I drove him back to the dorms doing 80 mph in a 45 mph zone. En route, he fell asleep. By the time I reached the dorms I felt sober from the overabundance of adrenaline. I pulled him out of my Jeep and left him.

I couldn’t go to sleep. I was too wired, too frazzled after what had just happened. On the drive home I was playing all the awkward moments back in my mind thinking. I couldn’t go back to my apartment so I went back to Big Thunda and Tito Kastro’s apartment. I called my fraternity brother, Boosie, whom had been with us early in the night, and told him what happened. He laughed at me.

After that I went to another fraternity brother’s, Supergene, apartment. (Just a word of advice: when you’re a big white guy, it’s never a good idea to break into a place where four black guys live especially when two of them are borderline thugs. You’re asking to get a.) beat up, or b.) shot.) I told him what had happened. He laughed at me, too. He was about to get up to watch football all day at a sports bar so I joined him. Later that night, we had a fraternity meeting where I told everyone what happened. They all laughed at me. After the fraternity meeting was the pledge meeting. Paul actually showed up. He tried to talk to me like nothing happened but I just stared at him with a “you tried to rape me” look. He didn’t pledge past that day. In all honesty, he could have. You’re gay? So what; who cares? I’m just not going to jack off with you at two in the morning.

Posted: April 14th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »