Chris Walker Vs. Dining WIth Women

However cruel and crassly judgmental I seem on this site, I typically give people the benefit of the doubt. I think things like, people know how to dine at restaurants, people know how to tip; people aren’t that stupid. It’s only when I leave my home, join society, and observe the common man that I realize I am wrong.

I’m sorry, did I say common man? I meant to say: common woman.

Women are inherently insane, we all know that. They ruin friendships, credit, and department store dressing rooms, just to start with. But forget those factual tidbits. Perhaps woman’s greatest crime — aside from parseltongue and eating verboten produce — is the fact they are the worst diners in the world.

Go in, sit down, eat, pay, leave. Those are the standard rules for dining. Not for women. Women, ever difficult, have a completely different canon. Here’s how it starts:

Madeline [spotting a pretend friend in Macy’s]: “Oh my goodness, Gertrude, how are you?”
Gertrude [trying on yet another pair of shoes she’ll never wear]: “Madeline! So nice to see you, how’ve you been?”
Madeline: “Oh, Stan left me for the Puerto Rican gardener… but I’ve been great! I’m wonderful!
Gertrude: “That’s so tragic. We should get together and do dinner!”
Madeline: “What a splendid idea! I’ll call up Wanda and Beatrice!”
Gertrude: “Wonderful! We’ll make it a girl’s night!”

The following weekend those four “girlfriends” are at a restaurant, with their handbags and oneupsmanship, prattling on about topics no rational human being cares about. After ordering wine by-the-glass, they bother the server with questions like, “Is the salad dressing fat free?” and “Can you just put the sauce on the side?” On top of nitpicking, ordering the cheapest items on the menu, sending perfectly good food back to the kitchen, not appreciating, and overall being raging bitches, they have the audacity to ask the server, “Can you just split the check four ways?” When the server begrudgingly does so, each one scans their check like a law student studying for the bar exam, trying to figure out who got charged the extra cent. Unaware of how insufferable they are to everyone around them, they each tip the server somewhere around 2 percent — which is ridiculous considering how much shit the server has to put up with — while simultaneously commenting on how the food and service is just as good, if not better, at Applebee’s. And then, AND THEN! they proceed to sit around for an hour, if not longer, chit-chatting about their mundane lives while drinking water.

Fucking preposterous.

Think I’m exaggerating? Fuck you, I’ve seen it. And not just once. Not just twice. Countless times. The amount of women doesn’t matter; it can be two, three, god forbid five, they all dine the exact same way: miserable questions, splitting bills, tipping horribly, occupying valuable restaurant real estate while they sip their waters.

A girl friend of mine went to one of my favorite Italian restaurants with a group of her friends. Next time I saw her I asked her how the food was. She replied, “I had the minestrone, it wasn’t very good.” Minestrone is, of course, the cheapest thing on the menu. The next time I went in I intentionally ordered the minestrone, just to see if it was bad. Guess what? It was delicious.

I went to sushi with two girl friends. I think I was drinking Sapporo with dinner, or had ordered a bottle of Sake, whatever. When we were done eating I paid my bill and continued conversing while I finished my drink. When my drink was finished the conversation continued. Five minutes later we were still talking. All that was left was water. The girls were totally oblivious. Finally, I said, “Listen, we can continue this conversation but let’s take it to the bar. I’ll buy you a drink if I have to but there are people who could use these seats.” If I hadn’t spoken up we might still be sitting there.

Finally, I took Pockets out to a nice restaurant the other weekend. When we arrived at our table there was a group of four women seated next to us, just getting their checks. Pockets and I had cocktails before dinner; we ordered wine during dinner; we each had three courses; we shared dessert, taking our time, and I finished the night with a grappa. When Pockets and I were done eating, getting up from our table, putting on our coats, THE FOUR WOMEN WERE STILL AT THE TABLE DRINKING WATER! I wanted to smother each one of them with the tablecloth and kick them all in their tits.

While I’ve done some rather grueling labor in my lifetime, I’ve never worked as a server in a restaurant so I went to some of my friends in the industry, just to make sure I had my facts straight. As soon as I said the words “groups of women,” their eyes rolled and some form of “Oh, god,” came out of their mouths. It is a fact: women dining in groups are the most hated thing in restaurants. Next time you’re at a restaurant ask your server, “Which would you rather have happen: your father dies of AIDS or you have to serve nothing but women?” I guarantee you “father dies of AIDS” is their answer.

Maybe it all goes back to Eve eating the forbidden fruit: women have always behaved absurdly around food. If only the stories in the bible were real. Come to think of it, what is the parable behind Eve getting her and Adam kicked out of Eden, anyway? Is it that men should eternally hate women for getting kicked out of paradise? Or that women always want what they’re not supposed to have? I don’t know; anyway, going out to eat is a lot like drugs, ladies: don’t do it if you can’t afford it.

Posted: February 28th, 2008 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Food, Idiots | No Comments »