CHRIS WALKER VS. THE TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE I WANT BACK

I was listening to Interpol’s album Turn on the Bright Lights today – more specifically, I was listening to the song “NYC” – and it took me to a magical place. The song felt like summer nights in Las Vegas when I was in college, back when beer pong was actually fun; back when, the morning after a hard night of drinking and debauchery, my roommates and I would pile into the truck and go landscape someone’s yard. The song made me fondly recall our Yugoslavian neighbor, “Sin”, who would come hang out after his night shift and eat Jack in the Box in our garage – talking shit and cracking jokes, sharing our different cultures. Listening to “NYC” even made the memory of my roommates trying to hit me with a bucket of top dressing, from a moving vehicle while I was out on a fifteen mile run, seem wonderful. Those were the days, as they say, the pure days when there wasn’t a care in the world and nothing really mattered. Those days were perfect.

Then, in the midst of my tranquil remembrance, I realized I was wrong.

Those were also the days I spent dating The Two Years of My Life I Want Back: the miserable devil woman who ruined my life. I’ve briefly mentioned TTYOMLIWB on the Versus before, but I’ve never elaborated on her as I am about to now. This isn’t going to be a sob story, though, and I won’t get into too many specifics of our relationship. The reason I want to write about her today is so I can tell a cautionary tale and, perhaps through my own dreadful experience, save friends from the same peril of wasting time in an abusive relationship when they should be enjoying their lives. Heed the words that follow. Learn from my mistakes.

When I started dating TTYOMLIWB she wasn’t yet the mammoth succubus she’d become. No, she was attractive, fun-loving, easy-going, and interesting. In the beginning, she’d do sweet things for me like bring me In-n-Out burger for no reason at all. We’d hang out and talk, we’d listen to music and make out, and then I’d go do something like watch the Laker game with my fraternity brothers. I even told her in the beginning, “You’re great and I want to spend a lot of time with you but my friends, my brothers, are just as important to me; just because we’re dating doesn’t mean I’m going to put them on the back-burner.” She wholeheartedly understood and encouraged my friendships. Life was perfect, I had an equal balance of my friends and my girlfriend, and sometimes the two even came together because she was fun to bring to parties.

Then everything changed. About five months into the relationship she dropped a gigantic bomb on me: basically, the whole bringing over food, happy about me hanging out with my friends attitude was an act. And now that she had her claws in me, this was the real her: controlling, manipulative, jealous, and unnecessarily confrontational. Essentially, she was insane. For some reason I stayed in the relationship. I guess it was because I was young and naive, and I thought we could work things out. I was wrong and paid dearly. (Side note: Not everyone has it laid out for them like I did. Typically, a girlfriend will go from sweet to controlling overnight and never even tell you. At the very most, I guess I should thank TTYOMLIWB for being upfront about it.)

I still remember our first fight. TTYOMLIWB was angry because I wanted to go to a flag football game and she wanted me to hang out with her. I told her I would see her after the game but that wasn’t good enough. She yelled at me. I did my best to remain calm, I told her it wasn’t worth arguing about but after, I don’t know, twenty minutes of yelling I finally exploded. When I did, I immediately ended the call. I had to; I couldn’t believe what I’d done, I’d never really screamed or yelled at a girlfriend before. Afterward, I called her back to apologize for blowing up at her, to explain things rationally, but TTYOMLIWB was relentless, she wouldn’t let it drop. That fight would set the standard for our relationship for the next two years.

I should’ve gotten out then but I didn’t. In turn, our fights became more frequent and I went from saying things like, “It’s not worth getting mad over,” to being willing to fight at the drop of a hat. The manipulation had taken it’s toll. The guilt overwhelmed me. The mind games, the power plays, they worked. In such a short amount of time TTYOMLIWB and I went from being the happy-go-lucky couple to the constantly-in-turmoil couple. It was obviously such a pointless relationship, and I increasingly spent more time thinking about how great it would be to break up with her than I did being in love. But I didn’t leave.

I stayed. I stayed because there is something tragically comforting about having someone around you all the time; there is that consistency, that safety net – no matter how ragged and tattered – that keeps you in a bad relationship. It’s amazing how you will stay miserable and unhappy because of alleged comfort and convenience. Even though a relationship, a person, is sucking the life out of you, you stick around because it seems easier to deal with the nonsense than walk away. Doing the right thing for yourself can be hard. Walking away is hard, breaking up is hard. Breaking up leads to the unknown. What will you do afterward? How will you ever make it on your own after relying on that other person for such a long period of time? Who will ever love you again, or know you the way they did? After you’ve done so many great things with and for them? After they’ve done so many great things for you? I still remember something TTYOMLIWB would say to me to bring me back, “After all the time and effort we’ve put into this you’re just going to walk away?” That always made me delay the inevitable. I was stupid though; I should’ve cut my loses. I should’ve listened to Interpol’s Paul Banks on “NYC” when he sings, “I know you’ve supported me for a long time, somehow I’m not impressed. Got to be some more change in my life.” Just because you’ve invested a lot of time in something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to end it when it’s obviously time.

And eventually, I did; I ended the relationship. After I graduated college I moved back to Reno and left TTYOMLIWB behind. I escaped the devil woman. But emotionally I paid a heavy price for those two long years. Two long years of manipulation, jealously, and guilt. My confidence was stripped. I’d forgotten what a productive relationship could feel like, and I was filled with regret. Oh, the regret. When I think back on those great college years, all I can think about how much better they would’ve been without TTYOMLIWB ruining them. I think about all the fun things I missed out on while I was fighting with my demon girlfriend. I think about all the other girls – girls who weren’t crazy – I could have met. I think about the ones I did meet. Furthermore, I think about all the time I wasted being jealous and untrusting – being untrustworthy. The amount of times I cheated on her, or wanted to: it’s incredible. And cheating is not my style. I’d never cheated before, I haven’t cheated since. But I hated her. I despised her. So, why did I stay with her for so long? Because even though there was no trust, no honest love, the guilt she’d pumped into me, it controlled me. I was so weak I never forced myself to do the right thing and leave her. Sure, I eventually did and I’m much happier now, in a much better place, but my time could have been so much better without her then.

If you’re in an unhealthy, unproductive relationship – get out. Guy or girl, it doesn’t matter, if the trust is gone – get out. If someone is taking you for granted or stifling your creativity – get out. Quit convincing yourself a dead-end situation is a good one. Quit wasting your precious time. Get out. All your friends think you’re acting stupid. You know you’re acting stupid. You’re blinding yourself from the fact there’s something better around the corner. Get out. Try being alone for awhile. Get to know yourself, it’s a good thing. Just get out. You definitely – DEFINITELY – don’t want to be like me, looking back on all those fun, wonderful time and thinking, “If only I didn’t spend all that time feeling guilty, being worried, made to feel bad, fighting, they could have been that much better.” You’re missing out. And you’re better than that – there are better ways to spend your time. It took me a long, painful amount of time to figure that out. Just remember,

“It’s up to me now, turn on the bright lights.”

Final note: Am I the only one who loves it when evil ex-girlfriends who were once good-looking and skinny get fat and whorish? It’s got to be one of the greatest things in the world. I don’t wish that fate on all my ex’s but, when it happens to the ones I dislike, it’s hilarious. I saw a picture of TTYOMLIWB recently – she looks like an enormous, double-chinned hunchback. She should seriously be up in a bell tower scaring children. It’s awesome.

[MP3] Interpol: NYC

Posted: July 27th, 2007 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Devil Women and the Men Who Love Them | No Comments »