CHRIS WALKER VS. SOUTHERN COMFORT. WITH A LIME.

Everyone’s got a kind of alcohol they refuse to touch. Judging from the Bands and Booze interviews, the majority steer clear of gin. While I’m not afraid of gin (and actually enjoy a good gin martini with blue cheese olives now and then) I vehemently avoid Goldschlager: a cinnamon flavored liquor with flakes of gold swimming in it. If a drink has to entice me to consume it with glimmering trinkets it can’t be trusted; it might as well be made by the devil, himself. Not to mention, last time I drank it some backwoods-hillbilly-motherfucker dropped me on my eye. But that’s another story altogether.

Another alcohol I stay away from is Southern Comfort. Our last confrontation was three years ago in Las Vegas. My friends and I were working an outdoor fireworks booth and, out of sheer boredom, started playing a variation of Texas Hold ‘Em poker for shots of bad sake. Around the time the sake ran out we came across a bottle of Southern Comfort, affectionately known as ‘So Co’. I still don’t remember where the bottle came from but I don’t remember being too concerned, either – we cracked it open and continued our game. I’ll have you know there were no winners that day, only losers. I’m still amazed we didn’t blow ourselves up.

While I wouldn’t say that particular So Co experience ‘destroyed me’ I haven’t gone running out to the store to buy a bottle since. I don’t know anyone who drinks it; all my friends enjoy a good whiskey or delicious meal of Rick Rambis (a.k.a. Wild Turkey). I honestly thought I’d live a long, fruitful life without crossing paths with that dreadful beast ever again. Then Dong Wang and I went out on Friday night.

Ever since my epically awesome St. Patrick’s Day I’ve been enamored with new Reno hot spot (is there such a thing?) Imperial Bar and Lounge. It’s got just enough dive bar atmosphere mixed with lounge scene to appeal to me. The drinks are also extremely affordable. I bought a round for five people, including two beers and three girl drinks, and it came to $19. Fucking unbelievable; try doing that in Vegas.

Although our night took us to Imperial it started at the lounge Tonic (actually, it started at our friend Ralph’s house with Irish car-bombs and a couple beers but that doesn’t count). Dong Wang and I met up with my friend Tiffany and her two cousins: Boy Cousin, who was visiting for the weekend, and Girl Cousin, who would turn out to be one of the most hardcore women I’ve ever met.

Both were cordial but Girl Cousin seemed disinterested in Dong Wang and I. Understandable, we aren’t supermodels but before long charm won over and as I accurately put it, “By the end of the night we’re all going to be great friends.” To solidify our newfound friendship we decided to take a shot; Girl Cousin picked it. Our following exchange went like this:

Me: So, what are we taking a shot of?
Girl Cousin: So Co and lime.
Me: So Co and lime? Cool, what’s in it?
Girl Cousin: So Co…with a lime.
Me: Oh.

I couldn’t believe this girl ordered So Co straight. I figured ‘So Co and lime’ was the name of some frilly, faggy drink but, no. I asked Girl Cousin, “You actually drink this by choice?” She said yes; in fact, she swears by the shit. As I write I am still in shock. It’s not like Girl Cousin is a burly lumberjack like Yours Truly. Or has a mustache. Or is built like a Chevy Duramax truck. She is a real girl, the attractive kind that wears makeup and probably watches The Hills and listens to whatever shitty pop music girls listen to nowadays. It’s the first time I’ve been impressed by a girl’s drinking habits since I learned The Mrs. (currently The Former Mrs.) drank Guinness. In the pages of the The Versus Girl Cousin will forever be known as So Co.

Another beer and we all walked over to Imperial – which had a line at the door. Dong Wang convinced us it would move fast so we waited until Tiffany used her “I’m hot” magic which allowed us to bypass the line. For the record: I love having hot girl friends (not to be confused with hot girlfriends); they make life so much easier.

Imperial was everything I’ve made it out to be over the past week: awesome. I caught up with a bunch of old friends; we all hung out at a table (which you don’t have to pay for. See: shitty Reno clubs.); we drank entirely too much. According to Dong Wang, near the end of the night So Co said something like, “I don’t even feel it, I can’t get drunk.” So, we all had another shot of Southern Comfort. With lime. Dios mio.

Speaking of dios mio, while outside smoking a cigarette with Tiffany I said, “Dios mio”, which means “Oh my god” in Spanish – and Tiff asked, “Where’d you learn that?” I don’t know, Panama? Guadalajara, maybe? Outside smoking was also where I met Half-Black Mike – the guy who got us into Imperial. Half-Black Mike was a pretty interesting guy because at first, I thought he was a pretty-boy who loved dudes but it turned out he was just Italian. Never would have guessed.

Around 4:00 AM, after a couple more drinks and a late night dinner with Tiffany, Boy Cousin, So Co, and Half-Black Mike at…some casino…Dong Wang and I made it back to his house where – as promised (on Wang’s MySpace) – I performed the “Abe Lincoln”. Unless you’ve been watching the Beaver Boys all week (like we have) that makes no sense. Basically, as soon as we got to Dong Wang’s house I just fell over and passed out on the floor despite the fact there are currently two empty beds in Wang’s house. Whatever, I love the floor.

The next day Dong Wang and I rose around the crack of noon (or 1:00 PM, to be exact). Then we went to the newly re-opened Pho 777 restaurant where we indulged in the Vietnamese deliciousness and did our best to recap the previous night’s intricacies. Even the next day I couldn’t believe So Co ordered straight Southern Comfort and we actually drank it. I never imagined a girl could be so hardcore – unless she was built like a Buick. Like I said earlier: still shocked. Or maybe the shock is from the fact I was up at 4:00 AM this morning to catch a plane to Dallas, to catch a plane Guatemala, and I’ve had a couple gin and tonics. What do I know? Either way, Friday night was pretty awesome; Imperial Bar and Lounge is awesome, and Southern Comfort…well, it’s not so bad. With a lime.

Posted: March 25th, 2007 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Hard Alcohol | No Comments »