Chris Walker Vs. Cornstalks Of Deception

The women in my office are either trying to eat healthier or lose weight. I know this because my company’s refrigerator has been stocked to the brim with yogurt. And not just any yogurt, Yoplait “Light, Fat Free” yogurt. What the women in my office don’t know about their sudden desire to improve health is they’re going about it the wrong way.

Before the eyes roll: No, this is not a post about the evils of Yoplait, or how you should ferment your own yogurt. It’s about Yoplait’s second ingredient, and a prominent ingredient in food products many Americans consume on a daily basis: High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS), the harbinger of obesity. “But wait, Chris,” you say. “Don’t you know HFCS is okay for you now? Haven’t you seen the new commercials? It’s made from corn, has the same calories as sugar, and is fine in moderation.” Yes, I have seen the commercials. They’re brilliant.

High Fructose Corn Syrup: Commercial One
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEbRxTOyGf0&hl=en&fs=1]

High Fructose Corn Syrup: Commercial Two
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVsgXPt564Q&hl=en&fs=1]
Don’t you feel safer now, America? I know I do.

I love how the people who question HFCS are portrayed. They’re either rude or retarded. When they have to back up their claim that HFCS is bad they’re speechless. How convenient. That’s called genius advertising, friends. See, a normal exchange might go like this:

HFCS Detractor: “You know that fruit juice you’re drinking is full of HFCS, right?”
HFCS Supporter: “And?”
HFCS Detractor: “Well, HFCS has been linked childhood obesity, and obesity in general. It may also be a significant cause of diabetes.”
HFCS Supporter: “I just thought it was made out of corn and contained no artificial ingredients.”
HFCS Detractor: “No artificial ingredients? It is an artificial ingredient. It replicates sugar. Furthermore, think about this: you’re drinking fruit juice. The fruit’s juice is the only natural ingredient, to add anything else and still call it fruit juice is unnatural and artificial.”
HFCS Supporter: “Oh.”

I think it’s safe to assume anyone who thinks HFCS is bad knows why they think it’s bad. But the Corn Refiners Association (CRA), the company funding the commercials, is smart; they don’t even want you to hear or think about words like “obesity” or “diabetes” so they depict their detractors as not even having the slightest inclination as to why HFCS might be evil. Well played. “You know what they say about it,” says the obnoxious woman in the first commercial. No, I don’t know what the anonymous “they” says about it however; I do know what researchers from the University of Texas said after conducting a study on HFCS, published in the June 2008 Journal of Nutrition:

“Our study shows for the first time the surprising speed with which humans make body fat from fructose,” said Elizabeth Parks of the Southwestern Medical Center, and head researcher.

The study involved four men and two women, all around 28 years old and having similar Body Mass Indexes (BMI). Each participant consumed three soft drinks at three different times. One soft drink contained one-hundred percent glucose, another contained fifty percent glucose and fifty percent fructose, and the final soft drink contained twenty-five percent glucose and seventy-five percent fructose. The increase of lipogenesis, the formation of fat, was the following:

One-hundred percent glucose soft drink: 7.8 percent increase.
Fifty percent glucose, fifty percent fructose soft drink: 15.9 percent increase.
Twenty-five percent glucose, seventy-five percent fructose soft drink: 16.9 percent increase.

The bottom line: “… fructose very quickly gets made into fat in the body.” More so than glucose, the study shows. Talk about a bombshell. They don’t mention that on sweetsurprise.com, one of the CRA’s misinformation websites you’re supposed to visit after watching one of the commercials, do they? Of course they don’t.

I asked one of the ladies in my office why she was eating the Yoplait yogurt since she was obviously eating it with “healthiness” in mind. She told me it was none of my business, and to stay out of it. I tried to tell her there are better yogurt brands, ones that don’t contain HFCS, that are just as affordable. She didn’t care. I think it says a lot about the average American consumer: mislead by labels; unwilling to hear they might be making bad choices; drawn to what they “know”, what they “like”, what is appealing to them. Until that mindset changes on a grand scale the CRA will have nothing to fear, and the American public will continue buying HFCS products and get fatter and fatter. Or until Oprah calls for an all-out boycott on all things containing HFCS, or the government relaxes tariffs and taxes on sugar suppliers. But that’s a story for another day.

LINK:

Fructose again linked to fat build-up: study, by Stephen Daniells

MISINFORMATION:

SweetSurprise.com
HFCSfacts.com

Chris Walker Vs. Your Bloody Mary (Needs A Makeover)

Getty Images.

Sometimes I think Gary Regan can read my mind. Last week, my girlfriend, Pockets, surprised me with an early birthday present: a trip to Salt Lake City to see my favorite band, Nine Inch Nails. We had a layover in Boise and, as we were officially on a mid-week vacation, morning cocktails were in order. Unfortunately, sports bars in Boise airports tend not to have a champagne swilling clientele so the champagne hadn’t been chilled. No Mimosas then. We opted for Bloody Mary’s instead. A very bad decision.

I don’t know how the liquor laws are in Boise, Idaho but I’m sure they’re as obnoxious as the ones in Salt Lake. Like, you can only pour one-point-five ounces of alcohol into a cocktail, or something equally ridiculous. My Bloody Mary contained little to no vodka (not that I could taste it, right?) so all I was left with was a pint glass full of gross, commercial tomato juice, a dash or two of Tabasco, and two unappealing olives. Not a stellar way to start the day.

After the disappointing drinks, Pockets and I discussed the downtrodden times (assuming it had a Golden Age) of the Bloody Mary. There is a sports bar we frequent during football season that serves their Bloody Mary in a thirty-two ounce glass mug, yet it only contain two ounces of vodka. (Unless you want a double, big spender.) That’s ridiculous, why would anyone drink that much pre-made Bloody Mary mix? You’ll end up bloated before buzzed. And there’s another problem: the pre-mix. The Bloody Mary is such a dumbed down cocktail, lazily thrown together with factory-concocted mixer full of more sodium than nutrients.

Ultimately, Pockets and I agreed Bloody Marys, whether in a pint glass or thirty-two ounce mug, are too large. They should be served in something like a highball with an equal ratio of vodka and tomato juice, a couple dashes of Tabasco, a dash or two of Worcestershire sauce, lemon, lime, horseradish, salt and fresh cracked pepper, garnished to preference.

I thought I was onto something with my re-imagining of the Bloody Mary, only to find out my new interpretation was actually the old one. Enter the Red Snapper, “… the prototype for the Bloody Mary,” according to Gary Regan, Cocktailian and frequent contributor to the San Francisco Chronicle. “And … a far cry from the Bloody Marys we drink today.” Regan showcased the Red Snapper in today’s edition of his on-going column, utilizing Crop Organic Tomato Vodka. And thank Science he did. Just in time to nurse a Saturday mid-morning hangover (which I will undoubtedly have after tonight’s Stone Temple Pilots show). Rest assured, I’ll be down at my favorite West Coast haunt, Chapel Tavern, having one or three.

Red Snapper (Recipe and instructions by Gary Regan):

Makes 1 drink

2 ounces Crop tomato vodka
2 ounces tomato juice
1 pinch salt
1 pinch black pepper
1 dash Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 lemon twist, as garnish

Instructions: Fill a cocktail shaker two-thirds full of ice and add all of the ingredients but the garnish. Shake for approximately 15 seconds, strain into a chilled cocktail glass and add the twist.

LINK:

Flavored vodkas get fresh with organic vegetables, by Gary Regan.

Chapel Tavern

Chris Walker Vs. The VMAs

Russell Brand, Associated Press.

I watched the MTV Video Music Awards last night. I’m not sure why. I haven’t watched the VMAs in years but last night I felt compelled. Maybe it was because I enjoy Russell Brand’s brand of comedy, and he was hosting. Or maybe I was dying to see Kid Rock butcher not one but two classic rock songs in an abomination of a mash-up called, “I’m An Uncreative Ass-Bag And I’m Going To Fuck Your Ears.” Whatever it was, I sure was excited.

In-between bits of Paris Hilton being her usual, vapid self and Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz doing his best heterosexual impression I learned a few things, not only about current, mainstream culture, but also about myself. The first thing I learned: I don’t know anything about popular music, and I think it’s doomed. As if you didn’t already know. Seriously, though, it’s completely ruined.

Personally, I’ve found 2008 to be a fulfilling year in music, even on what I thought was a (relatively) mainstream level. And I thought great albums like The Kills’ Midnight Boom or Beck’s Modern Guilt – each of which spawned equally great music videos – might garner attention from MTV this year. I was wrong. Those artists and their latest offerings pale in comparison to the visual genius of Britney Spears’ video for “Piece Of Me” and the not-mailed-in-at-all masterwork of an album it sprang from, Blackout. How stupid of me to think otherwise. At the very least, I thought MTV might’ve latched onto a new, accessible, indie band like Vampire Weekend or MGMT. They always do something like that, and it always a glimmer of hope. Not this year. Evidently, the kids want their eyeliner. And not only do they want eyeliner, they want German eyeliner. So, here you have it, this year’s best new artist: Tokio Hotel.

Photoshopped by Chris Walker.

Every time I saw Tokio Hotel on my television I would ask aloud: This is a joke, right? Tokio Hotel? This is a real band? It can’t be. And they’re from Germany? No one would actually listen to this, would they? Yes, they would. Utterly doomed. We all know the only thing that should be coming out of Germany, other than bratwurst and beer, is antisemitism.

As for the second thing I learned while watching the VMAs: I want to physically fight Jordin Sparks.

Photoshopped by Chris Walker.

I don’t usually condone hitting women but I seriously want to punch Jordin Sparks, a runner-up from American Idol, directly in the face. I’d like to battle her in an octagon. I think she’s got the build for it, too; she’s a big girl, broad shoulders and chubby arms. She could handle the beating. She might even get a couple good shots in herself. She is manly and undoubtedly full of pent-up, fat aggression. Come to think of it, she’d probably beat me up.

Throughout the course of the night, the hilarious Russell Brand poked fun at a pop group called the Jonas Brothers. If you’re blissfully unaware of them, the Jonas Brothers are a Disney-endorsed juggernaut. Women young and old adore them, and I’d like to say the boys are capitalizing on their fame — hooking up with tons of young chicks like Hannah Montana and Selena Whatever and this hot, blonde, country singer named Taylor Swift, whom I’d never even heard of until last night, and should probably go to jail for even looking at — but they’re not. Moral, upstanding Christians, the Jonas Brothers are waiting until they’re married to have sex. In fact, they’re so dedicated to staying chaste they wear promise rings to remind themselves of their vows.

Photoshopped by Chris Walker.

Brand, well-known in Britain for drug fueled and sexually charged escapades, used the band’s promise rings as an on-going joke (even saying he’d taken advantage of one of the boys and, afterward, claimed the boy’s ring) until the massive Sparks waddled on stage and “put him in his place”. “It’s not bad to wear a promise ring,” barked Sparks, who also wears one. “because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut.” Well said, Super-Size, but you know what? It’s easy to be a virgin when no one wants to have sex with you. And since when did having sex before marriage automatically make you a slut? Are we back in the 1920s? I thought you had to bang, like, ten dudes in one week or blow the entire football team to qualify, now all it takes is one pre-marital romp? The viewpoint is overly-simplistic and unreasonably judgmental, and it makes me want to fight Jordin Sparks.

More than anything, I think the VMAs taught me just how out of touch I am with the youth of America. I don’t get bands like Tokio Hotel. The Jonas Brothers being popular, and Russell Brand getting booed for joking about their promise rings or for calling President Bush a “retarded cowboy”, reminds me just how dead rock and roll really is. Oh well. I’m sure it’s nothing to get worried about. Things will turn around. They always do. Before I know it, some kid in a coffee shop will tell me how great Florence and the Machine is, and my faith will be restored. In the meantime, (since I was so inspired by the underage hotness that is Taylor Swift) I’ll be listening to country music. I really like it, it’s quality stuff. And I just downloaded a new album by this brand new country singer you all might be interested in. Ever heard of Jessica Simpson? She’s amazing.

Photoshopped by Chris Walker.

EDIT: Swift is actually 18 years old. I don’t need to be registered after all.

EDIT 2: How did this video not get nominated for anything? I swear it’s just as good as Britney’s “Piece of Me”, if not better.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0vrsxg0naA&hl=en&fs=1]