Chris Walker Vs. Validation And The Illusion Of Commitment

I hate Billy Corgan. With a passion. Billy Corgan, founder of the Smashing Pumpkins, is perhaps the most insufferable person on the planet. Hearing his name sends me into frenzy; if Billy Corgan was a small country I would bomb it and enslave anyone who survived.

I used to think Corgan was a genius. Despite the fact he sounds like a dying cat and looks like Willem Dafoe in Shadow of the Vampire, Corgan was a great songwriter. The Pumpkins’ 1993 album, Siamese Dream, is an undisputed classic. The band’s follow-up, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, is arguably the most epic album to come out of the nineties. But by the time Pumpkins bassist D’arcy Wretzky and guitarist James Iha left for less-douchy pastures, it was apparent to everyone: Corgan had been consumed by his ego. I mean, who puts a full-page ad in the Chicago Tribune, claiming he wants his old band back, just to end up with the same drummer he’s been with since his band broke up?

As narcissistic and stupid as Billy Corgan is, you know who is even more stupid? A woman who take a promise ring seriously.

A promise ring, if you’ve never heard of it, is often considered a precursor to an engagement ring. It’s supposed to signify monogamy or great commitment. It doesn’t. What a promise ring is, is actually a way to get a nagging girlfriend to shut up about “taking things to the next level” without spending three-months salary.

I forgot promise rings existed. Promise Ring, the band, broke up in 2002, and I haven’t been in junior high for a long time. When I heard promise rings were still around my face made that scrunched up, confused look, as if someone had farted and the putrid vapors had finally hit my nostrils. Then I put it on my list of things I no longer acknowledge yet still exist, right below Bloods and Crips and Women’s Studies Majors.

The promise ring is good idea for men, though, especially those who aren’t ready for life-long commitment. This way, a guy can make his girlfriend feel validated (validation being what the majority of women want out of a relationship) without putting anything at risk. An engagement ring tells a woman: I want to spend forever with you, you can start planning our wedding now (or, in my case it means: ruin my life for a year and then I’ll break up with you). A promise ring says nothing, you can’t plan a wedding after you’ve received one. Unless you’re planning it in your head. All you really get to do is wait that much longer for the real deal. Or, perhaps: indefinitely.

I had a girlfriend that kept hassling me about new ways to show our commitment to the world, something the world never really asked for. After months of incessant badgering I finally caved in and bought her a promise ring. She was elated. In fact, she was so thrilled she threw a party with her girlfriends to celebrate the momentous occasion. Midway through the festivities I called her and let her know I was breaking up with her; I just couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone so stupid. Sure, she cried then but, ultimately, I think I taught her a valuable lesson: not to take stock in ridiculous trinkets that don’t mean anything, and to not harass future boyfriends who obviously aren’t ready to settle down for the rest of their lives. I also sent her a Smashing Pumpkins CD, she used it as a beer coaster.

UPDATE 06.27.08: VALIDATION AND THE ILLUSION OF COMMITMENT… IN THE MEDIA

Know who Katy Perry is? You will. Her “I Kissed A Girl” song is EVERYWHERE.

It’s clever enough, and it’s about girl-on-girl action so I’m certainly not against it. Pockets, a long-time Perry fan, wasn’t really feeling the song. “Judging from your silence you must disagree,” she said, a couple moments after telling me. “No,” I replied. “It’s just not a song I feel very passionate about. Sure, I like it but I’m not going to go to bat for it.” And therein lies the joy of mainstream pop singles: they’re fun for about a month and then they’re replaced by something else. You don’t have to take them seriously. At all. Unless they’re “Since U Been Gone.” Then they’re a juggernaut to be reckoned with.

Anyway, word has it Perry’s boyfriend, Tattooed Guy From That One Band That Had A Hit One Time, recently gave Perry a promise ring and I think it’s a great example of just how ridiculous the promise ring really is. TGFTOBTHAHOT has been dating Perry for years, Perry was even in his music video. He never felt the need to publicly profess his love for Perry before, but now his girlfriend is a hot commodity; she has a hit single, and she’s garnering a lot of attention from male celebrities who’d love to see her naked.

Homeboy feels threatened. And understandably so. But by getting Perry a promise ring now, all it is is an indication of his immense insecurity as Perry’s celebrity status rises. It’s sad and pathetic. To show my disapproval, I promise never to buy a Gym Class Heroes album again. Not that I ever did in the first place. Furthermore, I hope Perry does the right thing and hooks up with John Mayer. I love that guy.

Chris Walker Vs. Barry Estabrook And Dangerous Fruit

“The FDA has consistently shown that it is more interested in protecting the interests of the agriculture industry than the health of American consumers.”

- Barry Estabrook

Barry Estabrook, who published the quote above, is someone I deeply admire. Aside from being a Contributing Editor for Gourmet, he writes a fantastic column entitled “Politics of the Plate.” Estabrook and I share similar interests – he articulates them much better than I do – and I’m sure he and I could have one hell of a conversation over a couple beers.

Today, Estabrook posed the question I’m sure all of us have wanted to ask: “How in the hell does salmonella get inside a tomato?” I thought about tackling this baffling issue myself however; Estabrook does such a great job that, well, I don’t need to open my mouth about it.

READ: POLITICS OF THE PLATE: ROTTEN TOMATOES, by Barry Estabrook.

UPDATE 06.23.08: The number of tomato-related sicknesses has risen to 552 since early April. The last reported case was in early June. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) still hasn’t determined the source or cause of the outbreak.

I found some interesting quotes in a recent MNSBC news article which I thought were worth sharing:

“It might be impossible to trace the ultimate source of the tainted tomatoes, the Food and Drug Administration’s food safety chief warned Wednesday.”

“[T]omatoes are among the hardest foods to trace in an outbreak, because … they’re sold without tags to help trace their suppliers.”

“[T]he FDA has asked Mexican health authorities to check whether they have any cases of this exact strain of salmonella Saintpaul, the subtype involved.”

The FDA: working hard to keep you safe…after you get sick. While the hunt to find the outbreak is appreciated, it still doesn’t answer Estabrook’s question, and your question, and my question: how did Salmonella get inside the tomato? A friend speculated it could be a result of workers shitting in fields, their feces present in the soil as the tomatoes begin to grow. That would certainly lead to an interesting investigation on working conditions, wouldn’t it? Hopefully the FDA will do the right thing and figure out what caused the outbreak, and hopefully we, as American consumers, won’t let them off the hook until they do.

Chris Walker Vs. You Are What You Eat

I’ve asked you to grate your own cheese. I’ve shunned vodka. I’ve berated fat people with rare diseases.

Some might think my observations — or rants on consumerism and the condition of the common man — are mean-spirited, vulgar displays of an asshole with a superiority complex. Some might even think they come from a dark, angry place. They’re only half-right. The truth of the matter is my plea to stop eating microwavable, pre-bunned hot-dogs, my desire for people to get back into their kitchens and eat organic food, comes from a genuine place. I want to save you, America. America, I care.

When I say buy free-range meat (meat from cows that aren’t kept in feed-lots, instead in their natural habitat, eating a natural diet) it’s not because it’s “haute cuisine,” or “foodie-approved.” No; I say that because I don’t want you to bite into a hamburger that came off the assembly line at a place like Topps Meat Co. Topps Meat Co., one of biggest frozen meat processors in the United States, was shut down in late 2007 after their meat caused an outbreak of E. coli that spread across eight states. There’s a long list of things Topps did wrong, from shoddy equipment to inadequate testing, but perhaps Topps’ worst transgression: they were combining day old meat with fresh meat, a practice called “re-working.” Aside from being gross and frowned upon, re-working significantly increases the risk of contamination.

While the Topps shutdown is old news, it’s important to be reminded of it since it was one of the largest meat recalls in history, immediately followed by the largest meat recall in history: the Westland / Hallmark Meat Co. recall, which I recently wrote about. They’re both prime examples of why it’s important to be picky about your meat. Aside from the risk of E. coli there are other negative factors; mass-meat producers like Topps and Westland / Hallmark slaughter cows that have been fed an unnatural diet, including a number of antibiotics, antibiotics that get into their meat, and then get into you when you eat it. We don’t know the long-term effects of these antibiotics but I’ve got a hunch: antibiotic resistance and (drum roll, please) cancer.

It doesn’t stop with steaks. For the past year Tyson Foods, Inc., the second largest chicken producer in the US, has been trying to sell you “antibiotic-free” chickens that actually contain antibiotics. When called on it, Tyson said they were using ionophores that have never been used on humans. The United Stated Department of Agriculture (USDA) disagreed. Tyson was using gentamicin, an ionophore that has been used on humans for over 30 years. Tyson has been forced to stop labeling antibiotic-laden chickens as antibiotic-free, and to remove all labels by June 18. Although it’s a victory for consumers now, it’s disheartening to think about how many well-intentioned people already bought those Tyson chickens under the impression they were making healthier choices.

You’ve got to consider that the USDA is an organization that fails the American public as much as it protects it, and no matter what regulations they make, no matter how many inspectors they put on a slaughterhouse or factory floor, large food organizations will continue to take risky shortcuts, and the USDA will only take action after the damage has been done. That’s why your best bet is with organic meat, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, as-mother-nature-intended meat. When considering your health’s sake, a couple dollars more for a steak doesn’t seem like so much.

UPDATE: If you needed another reason why you shouldn’t buy Tyson-branded chickens, the company just had to kill “15,000 hens from a flock that tested positive for exposure to strain of bird flu,” according to The Associated Press. Personally, I feel safer buying free-range chickens.

TOPPS MEAT CO. RELATED LINKS:
“21.7 million pounds of beef recalled”

“Beef Recall Forces Topps to Shut Down”

“USDA papers: Burger recall followed riskier procedures”

TYSON’S FOODS RELATED LINKS:
“U.S. Withdraws Approval for Tyson’s Antibiotic-Free Label”

“USDA: Tyson used 2 different antibiotics on chicken”

“Tyson finds chickens with mild bird flu strain”

OTHER LINKS:
Food And Drug Administration

United States Department of Agriculture

Ionophore

Gentamicin