CHRIS WALKER VS. MO MOTHERFUCKING ROCCA

Sure, he was tolerable on all of VH1’s “I Love The [enter decade here]”; he was even, dare I say, likable as a correspondent on The Daily Show. But what the hell is Mo Rocca doing as a judge on Iron Chef America?

We already know Iron Chef America is a dumbed down version of the original Iron Chef, the secret ingredients make that obvious. Mango, anyone? And I understand the need for comedic relief – a way to appeal to the simple-minded, un-appreciating American demographic – but Mo Rocca is a horrible choice. He’s not funny; he’s obnoxious. His jokes suck. His voice is nasally and aggravating. He doesn’t know anything about food. I’m surprised he’s not a vegan.

Typically when I watch Iron Chef America and Mo Rocca is a “guest celebrity judge” I’m just mildly annoyed. The only indication of my annoyance is when I blurt out, “Mo Rocca is a douchebag.” I couldn’t take it last night, though. His smug, abysmal observations on the food were so uneducated and worthless I wanted to reach through my television and choke him. His jokes, if you could call them that, were so forced and not funny they made me want to set fire to orphanages and run over entire families of quail. To make matters worse, I think they were using a laugh-track. That’s right, a laugh track. On the Food Network. If I felt like subjecting myself to a laugh-track I’d watch Two and a Half Men or some other bullshit sitcom. Not the Food Network.

I’ve always thought the most evil, deplorable thing on the Food Network was Rachael Ray. After last night she’s been replaced (but give it a week; I’m sure she’ll return to her rightful place atop my totem pole of distain). I haven’t caught any new episodes of Iron Chef America (last night’s was a rerun) but I pray to the gods Mo Rocca is not in any of them. He is absolutely miserable to watch. His face infuriates me.

He must have one hell of an agent, though.

CHRIS WALKER VS. VEGANS WHO HAVE SEX WITH MEAT EATERS

I love the question (and accompanying article) posted over at Michael Ruhlman’s blog yesterday: “If you are a vegan and you have sex with a man who eats meat…is this a moral (or dietary) transgression? Go figure, the whole “vegansexual” thing originated in New Zealand – the home of tossers and sheep shagers. Personally, I enjoy being a graveyard for animals. They’re tasty.