CHRIS WALKER VS. ONE MORE NOTCH ON THE SHITPOST

Wow. When I bash ‘em I really know how to pick ‘em. They just give, and give, and give, and give. I wrote a way-too-long piece about how Dane Cook sucks a couple months back and now, to continue his shit streak, he’s released this abortion:

[MP3] Dane Cook: I’ll Never Be You

I’d be ashamed if I made this song – double ashamed if I actually released it. What a piece of shit. I wonder what Dane was thinking when he wrote the lyrics, probably something along the lines of, “Wow, I’m so fucking great; everything I do is magical. I’m the best comedian ever – the BCE.”

For a guy who claims he doesn’t drink or do drugs Dane really knows how to self-destruct – Tourgasm, Vicious Circle, Employee of the Month, this song. What’s next, a Dane Cook video game where you ride around in the CT2004, stabbing people who like Sour Apple Jolly Ranchers, telling the same jokes over and over? Give me a break.

I think Dane needs a drink, personally. Or maybe a hit off a bong. Maybe that’ll knock this crap out of his head and get him back to being funny.

CHRIS WALKER VS. THE RENO GAZETTE JOURNAL

The Reno Gazette Journal (otherwise known as We Got it From the Associated Press *) – Reno’s local newspaper – included my top ten albums of 2006 in their online entertainment section. They crammed it down near the bottom and completely left out my number six pick (Feist’s Open Season) but hey, pretty cool nevertheless. Evidently I won an iTunes gift card or something so I guess all’s forgiven. Read it here.

That being said, their main piece, written by Jake Coyle, was a little too…easy (to be polite). Modern Times? The Crane Wife? Camera-fucking-Obscura? Please. To put Camera Obscura on your year-end list and completely ignore a band like Silversun Pickups – what, did you just decided to include the first indie album you heard? It seems like Coyle picked every album he thought he had to (classics like Dylan, Waits) and then just threw in some indie shit at the end (Field Music? Are you serious?). I mean, didn’t anyone notice Bob Dylan’s Modern Times sounds just like his last album? I know you’re required to say every mediocre tune to come out of Dylan and Springsteen is the greatest thing ever these days but, come on, have a shred of original thought. Why didn’t you just rank some post-mortem Johnny Cash or Neil Diamond’s re-release of 12 Songs and call it a day?

EDIT: After writing that I went back to the RGJ’s top albums list – Jake Coyle’s list is from the Associated Press! Why? There seems to be some smart people behind RJG’s entertainment section – why rely on the Associated Press? I could’ve come up with a better list than Jake Coyle’s; in fact, I did come up with a better list than Jake Coyle’s. By the way, so did Lara Schott; Ballad of the Broken Seas – great call.

I’ll put this out there right now: if anyone at the RGJ would like me to contribute a real monthly/weekly/bi-weekly music column or unabashedly honest (yet appropriate) album reviews send me an e-mail. I’ll do it for free – just provide the materials I’m supposed to review and it’s done.

* Unless you’ve spent years reading (or not reading) the RGJ you probably don’t get the Associated Press jab. Just peruse the website, you’ll get it soon enough.

CHRIS WALKER VS. HAPPY NEW YEAR

My New Year’s Resolution:

Stop paying for everyone else’s shit. Seriously.

Three things I learned over the New Year’s Weekend:

Some things are better in your imagination.

Some things are meant to be left alone.

Some things are worth fighting for.

Oh yeah, also, I hate Las Vegas.

Finally, I’d post an MP3 of Death Cab for Cutie’s “New Year” but I’m sure every other fucking blog out there has already done it so, I won’t.