After bashing Dane Cook Thursday I thought it was appropriate if, today, I talked about a genuinely good comedian. I’m talking about none other than hilarious story-teller, host of New York’s world famous Laugh Factory, avid drinker, and star on the rise: Mr. Bill Dawes.
I stumbled upon Bill because I’m a “fan” (for lack of a better word) of Tucker Max. Bill is in Tucker’s top friends (that’s how I found him) on Tucker’s MySpace profile and now Bill is a featured artist? blogger? whatever you call it, on his own website associated with Tucker’s Rudius Media (formerly known as Festering Ass). If this doesn’t make much sense read to the bottom, click on the links, and start piecing it together yourself – like a crackerjack sleuth.
Although I’ve never seen Bill’s stand up his stories are hilarious and his writing is excellent. It’s like Tucker’s material with the asshole factor turned down (to, I don’t know, 4?) while keeping the awesome factor at 10. Bill’s destined to be a famous comedian. A couple reasons: 01.) He seems to be a hard worker; he’s smart, witty, and constantly developing fresh material. 02.) He’s actually funny. 03.) He’s getting good exposure opening for comedian Jamie Kennedy and will even perform in Vegas alongside Jamie and Bob Sagat (which is awesome).
It’s just a matter of time before Bill becomes a household name and way too fucking huge to have ever done the following interview.
All right. I’m going to quit sucking the guy’s dick and get onto the Q&A session he and I did a month or so ago. As you’ll be able to tell, I fashioned the questions in the spirit of Bands and Booze however; I pushed it father than usual because I knew Bill would come back with incredible answers. He proved me correct and the result is fucking phenomenal. Enjoy yourselves.
Thanks for agreeing to do this; we’ll get right into it. Aside from the obvious “anything free” answer, what is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
Bill Dawes: Who told you? I like Red Bull and Vodka because I get to be hyper and drunk at the same time. I can alternate between passing out on the barstool and wanting to paint the garage. I can slur and stumble, then go home and clean my room.
Is there any alcohol you refuse to touch?
BD: Anyone who went to college or frat parties in the South will probably have a little problem with Southern Comfort. Once you puke Soco from your gullet, the thought of drinking more gives you Proustian waves of nostalgia that make you bileburp. Ha. Ha. I just coined that shit.
Also, any drink that looks like it should have a vagina or a teddy bear come with it.
What is your ultimate hangover remedy?
BD: Hair of the dog, baby. Those pills you take at night work pretty well. I find that if you don’t sleep at all, then you never have a hangover. That’s the best.
If there was a drink called the Bill Dawes how would I make one?
BD: It would be liquid cocaine (legalized somehow) with Gatorade, fresh-squeezed lemonade, and a mint leaf. My theory is that it would be delicious.
You’re the host at the world famous Laugh Factory in New York every Friday night. I’ve not yet had the chance to go there but I can only assume the atmosphere is drunken mayhem. Do you have any good, stand out stories worth sharing?
BD: One time, Greg Wilson flirted with a girl onstage. When he walked offstage, they immediately went at it in the back. She had pierced nipples. Another time, Jessica Kirson got mad at an Asian dude and poured a huge basket of fries on his head. I always get hammered, spill my drinks and then the comics come up and slip around the stage. I blame other kids afterwards.
Do tons of drunken chicks approach you every night?
BD: Oh yeah, it happens a lot. If I was in the biz of getting laid with random women, my cup would be runnething over and my balls would be emptyeth. Some guy on MySpace kind of uses his blogs to meet women and get laid. When I made fun of this stupid contest he did where he had women pose half-naked for him, he called me “jealous”. I had to message him and be like, “Dude, are you serious? Tell me you’re not serious. You can’t be serious”.
A guy bragging about meeting women on Myspace is like a retard bragging about how much free candy he gets or a gay guy bragging about how much ass he gets in Manhattan. I don’t try to get laid. The challenge is not to get laid. Period.
Recently, on tour with Jamie Kennedy, I had a girl (very cute, actually) come up after the show and grab my ass. Then she leaned into me and told me “You’re cute. I want to fuck you”. Then she pulled away, looked at me, and winked. She WINKED! What was that for, in case I missed the subtle innuendo she was throwing my way?
You’ve got to love drunk chicks. Who has been your favorite comic to drink with, thus far?
BD: Jamie Kennedy. Dom Irrera.
First of all, they drink, which is crucial. Jamie is just a funny motherfucker who loves to have a good time. Plus, he surrounds himself with fun people.
Dom is probably one of the funniest people on the planet both onstage and off.
Cool. By the way, how awesome is that Ong Bak shit? My Korean friend made me watch it the other weekend and my chest plate still hurts.
BD: Yeah, he’s awesome. It’s funny because he has that crazy Simpson’s overbite and that high-pitched screamy Thai voice but kicks the biggest ass ever.
Seriously. Hey, speaking of Korean friends, I’ve got a buddy I won’t name – Sean Sapphire – who wants to be a comedian. Some of his material is pretty good, problem is he’s a major pussy with self-esteem/confidence issues. And he has night terrors. What a baby. As a successful comic, hosting Friday nights at the Laugh Factory, do you have any advice for his bitch ass?
BD: Tell him to send me his material and I’ll buy it from him if it’s good. Some people aren’t performers, bottom line. Some people are writers. One of the problems with standup these days is that EVERY motherfucker who has ever written a funny joke thinks they should be onstage. I hate that shit. Dance, monkey! I’m not saying you have to be as dynamic as Dane Cook, but if your idea of comedy is getting onstage with a notepad and talking off a notepad for 10 minutes, well, maybe you should find a performer and write for them. It used to be like that back in the day. All the greats had people write for them. Now everyone wants to get onstage.
If he isn’t satisfied with writing, tell him to get drunk and go up. It’s never harder than the first time. Promise.
When you say “reading from a notepad” is that a slam on Zach Galifianakis? I know he’s always reading from a note pad.
BD: Zach is different. He may be my fav.
At what age to you think you’ll enter rehab and find Jesus?
BD: Rehab for what, motherfucker?
Ha. Ha. Isn’t that what all famous people eventually do at some point to revitalize their career? Anyway, if I’ve learned anything about Hollywood success it’s all about whom you’re dating/whom you’ve stolen from someone else. If you could make your mark by dating/stealing any celebrity who would it be?
BD: Kate Hudson. I had a chance when she was 16 and I didn’t pursue it because I thought I had morals then.
Catherine Zeta. That would be quite the controversy, wouldn’t it? Cate Blanchett…tell me when to stop…
Getting into your website stories a bit, did the nice guy from In Her Shoes, your buddy Mark Feuerstein, ever make it up to you after cock-blocking you in your story, “The Scottish Play”? I know most cock blocks don’t merit rectifying – in fact, most can be used for future ridicule by the cock-blockee – but you were on your way to sealing the deal with what I can assume was a tits-on-fire actress. I figure he owed you a drink or at least some Mark Feuerstein fall-out pussy after that.
BD: Now, Mark has always been a one-woman type of guy. He’s married with a new baby. I’m not much of a “fall-out pussy” guy. I like to be on my own track with things like that. Mark didn’t apologize although he did read the blog and commented on it. He thought it was funny.
Okay, almost done. Is there anything else you’d like to add, include, talk about before we finish?
BD: That was the longest fucking interview I’ve ever done. Here’s something I want to talk about: who is this for?
Is there any substantial readership? Is it just an interview for your MySpace friends? Please don’t tell me I just spent 45 minutes writing this shit for 200 people. That would blow.
Ha. Ha. No, this isn’t just for my MySpace friends. I wouldn’t waste your time if it was. I just knew MySpace was an easy way to get ahold of you. Okay, last question, which are better: ninjas, pirates, or Vikings?
BD: Ninjas, because the other two groups are dead. Also, I’m a sneaky bastard, so I prefer the ninja approach to problems in life. Confusing your opponent and all that shit.
For ways to read Bill’s material, be his MySpace pal, catch him live, challenge him in Poker, and other miscellaneous goodness visit the links below:
Bill Dawes on MySpace.
Bill Dawes on Rudius Media.
To see what the fuck Ong Bak is and get acquainted with Tucker Max and his Rudius Media visit these links:
Ong Bak.
Tucker Max on Rudius Media.
Tucker Max on MySpace.
Rudius Media.
Posted: October 28th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »
I have something heartbreaking to announce: Dane Cook is no longer funny.
It’s true. And it pains me to say that because I’ve always enjoyed Dane’s comedy. His Harmful If Swallowed CD/DVD is a classic; the double disc/DVD Retaliation experience is downright epic; his performance on Dave Attell’s Insomniac Tour DVD was hilarious, and his role in Waiting was enjoyable, if nothing else. It seemed like Dane could do no wrong.
Then came Tourgasm (pun intended).
Tourgasm – Dane’s weekly behind-the-scenes comedy tour show on HBO – sucked. I only watched it (periodically) because a.) I hoped it would pick up and become funny at some point (it never did); and b.) “comedian” (I use the term very loosely) Jay Davis was such a gigantic, cry-baby, douchebag that watching him filled me with contempt – the fun kind. You know what I’m talking about, the unadulterated kind of gleeful anger that makes you yell at your television and tell your friends, “If I ever see that pussy motherfucker on the street, I swear to God…” Yeah, that kind. Dennison and I went so ape-shit over how much of a bitch Jay Davis is we even sent Dane a MySpace comment one inebriated morning telling him how instead of referring to things as “gay” we were just going to call them “Jay Davis”. Dane never approved the comment. Shocker.
Regardless of how bad Tourgasm was it was forgivable. Everyone has a bump in the road; those shows don’t really work, anyhow. Anyone see Comedians of Comedy on Comedy Central? I rest my case. Zach Galifianakis (one of my favorite comedians and Halloween costume) was even on that show and it still blew. Comedians behind-the-
scenes are just not funny; no one wants to see you critiquing trinkets at Cracker Barrel especially if you look like this fucking guy:
Co-star of Comedians of Comedy, mediocre comedian, and life-long virgin: Brian Posehn.
Anyway, the problem wasn’t that Tourgasm was bad; the problem was how impressed Dane was with himself after the fact. Tourgasm was clearly a shit bag yet he touted it on his website like it was the most awesome, first-of-its-kind, series ever. Um, hate to tell you but…it wasn’t (Comedians of Comedy came before and who knows what came before that, I’m not looking it up). Tourgasm shouldn’t even be considered a minor achievement, the show was a frustrating disappointment. Just because you got some high ratings on your first episode doesn’t mean anyone enjoyed themselves. Sorry, Dane.
After Tourpreejaculation was Dane’s HBO special: Vicious Circle. I was super stoked about this because it brought Dane back into his element: stand-up. I couldn’t wait. I figured it would be an hour (or ninety minutes as it turned out to be) of fresh material, huge laughs, and comedic fireworks worthy of the history books. Boy was I wrong. Vicious Circle should have been called Vicious Letdown. Not only did Dane’s new jokes (if you could call them that) fail to deliver THE ENTIRE LAST HALF OF THE SHOW WAS RE-HASHED MATERIAL FROM RETALIATION, AND IT WAS FUNNIER THE FIRST TIME AROUND. And wasn’t the cheater part turned into a cartoon on Shorties Watching Shorties, like, two fucking years ago? How old is that bit? I think it predates Harmful If Swallowed.
How the hell are you going to pull out super-old, already recorded jokes on your brand new HBO special in 2006? What was it? – a greatest hits performance? It’d be like if Dave Chappelle came back from his hiatus and performed half of Killin’ Them Softly on his For What It’s Worth DVD. Or if Eddie Murphy just re-worded Delirious for his Raw special. As a viewer you’d feel cheated; as the comedian you’d be redundant. I can almost guarantee anyone who watched Vicious Circle owns or has heard Retaliation and Harmful If Swallowed; we already know those jokes. If you’ve got a new special we want to hear new shit. Fuck, even Daniel Tosh acknowledges his cargo pants joke is old (he calls it the “cargo pants remix”) and that was on his first CD!
Vicious Circle should have been Dane’s moment to undisputedly dominate the comedic world. It should’ve consisted of original material and been the best, most flawless, stand-up you’ve ever seen. It could have gone on to become the biggest selling comedic DVD and CD of all time, and it very well could still (because people are stupid) but it won’t be as deserving as it could have been. Vicious Circle was a mediocre display of idleness. I remember looking over at The Mrs. at one point and asking, “Is this even funny?” She shook her head: no. Neither one of us had a big laugh the entire time and if you know how much we appreciate quality stand-up (which you probably don’t but that’s okay) that’s not good. I mean shit, we’re both cracking up over Lewis Black’s Rules of Enragement right now.
To reiterate, Dane’s biggest problem is he’s too busy patting himself on the back to realize he’s falling off – quickly. He’s so smug about all these recent “accomplishments” he’s failing to make them memorable. I doubt I’ll ever watch Vicious Circle again (or buy it since it is, in fact, coming to stores) yet I still listen to Retaliation all the time. Furthermore, I probably won’t see Employee of the Month until it’s in the five-dollar-bin at Walmart – if I even see it at all (isn’t it already out of theaters?) but I own Waiting. Employee of the Month looks retarded. I mean, for God’s sake, the guy from Punk’d is in it. Not exactly Trading Places.
Just so you know: I’m not writing this because “it’s time for a Dane Cook backlash”. Absolutely not. I’m writing this because I’m genuinely disappointed. I loved Dane Cook’s comedy; in fact, I still love Dane’s comedy. But you know what? – there are deserving comics out there who are just as good, if not better: Greg Giraldo (another favorite), Dave Attell, Lewis Black, Daniel Tosh, Demetri Martin, Jamie Kennedy, Bill Dawes…the list goes on. I never used to understand why some people loathe Dane Cook’s “watered-down” comedy or knocked him for his accessible, MySpace-using, persona. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to.
What really drove the final n
ail in the coffin and made me want to write why Dane Cook is no longer funny was his performance on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. It was probably one of the un-funniest SNLs I’ve ever seen. The audience wasn’t even enjoying it. That’s right, Dane Cook – the biggest comic of the moment – was up on stage and the audience wasn’t even laughing. I used to think SNL had a laugh track; his appearance proved it obviously does not. I distinctly remember dead silence at one point, it was unbelievable. Not to mention, The Killers’ performance sucked. But then again, has a musician ever performed well on SNL?
Regardless, you’ll probably be able to read all about how incredibly epic the show was and how Dane remembers watching SNL as a poor child in his one bedroom/living room Boston abode on Dane’s website sometime in the coming month. Whatever, Dane. Keep telling yourself how good you are. Dane’s comedy was great but, to loosely quote Dane, I’m ready to see other parties. I hope for his sake, and for my enjoyment, he quits congratulating himself so much and gets back to doing what he used to do best – being funny.
UPDATE: After posting this I’ve discovered Dane is launching a new Tourgasm comedy tour – which he will not be headlining – featuring the two shitty comics from the original Tourgasm and Robert Kelly (whom is legitimately funny, in my opinion). I take pity on you if you pay actual, American dollars to see Gary “Ungrateful-douche-ass” Gulman and Jay “If I Ever Got Pussy Before I’m Definitely Don’t Get It Now that I’m Sensitive and Sober” Davis. Oh well, at least you’ll have Robert.
The only man worthy of calling himself a comedian on Dane’s new Tourgasm tour: Robert Kelly.
Posted: October 27th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Ever heard the phrase, “if you have to explain the joke it isn’t funny anymore”? I think it’s time we added this alternate version: “Maybe, if you have to explain the joke the person you’re telling it to is an idiot”.
Depending on how long you’ve been reading my site you may or may not know about the controversial post, Chris Walker Vs. Women and Children. It was an intentionally retarded and blatantly misinformed rant against the “women and children first” thought process concluded by a ridiculous scenario involving Thor, women and children stranded on a fiery island, and great white sharks. To most, it was an obvious joke. Even if they didn’t find it funny they could at least identify it was not to be taken seriously. Just look at the second sentence (as if the first wasn’t a gigantic give away) where I wrote, “Titanic, Independence Day, and that other one”. Ever heard examples like the last one in a genuine debate? Didn’t think so.
Regardless, some people take themselves – and everything else – way too seriously. And by “some people” I mean the person from this post. Long story short: she and I were friends; I wrote the women and children piece; she called me the biggest male scum-bag on earth and questioned my fiancé’s intelligence; I posted the message where she called me the biggest male scum-bag on earth on Chris Walker Versus; she got even madder; we’re no longer friends.
After the coals cooled I tried to contact her however; she wouldn’t respond to e-mail, text message, or an actual phone call. Interesting how she couldn’t respond after the fact yet had time to bash me in an internet message beforehand. I think there’s a word for those kinds of people. Coward, isn’t it? So, I gave up. If she wants to end our friendship over a satirical piece written in admittedly bad-humor then she wasn’t much of a friend to begin with.
That should’ve been the end of it. And it was the end until her best (?) friend found me on MySpace and put in a friend request. I accepted and messaged her asking, well, just read the conversation for yourself. I removed times and subjects as they don’t serve any purpose – aside from that they are unaltered as to preserve honesty and accuracy. You’ll see how it progresses.
To: [name removed]
From: Chris Walker Versus
Body: Did your girl tell you she won’t talk to me anymore?
To: Chris Walker Versus
From: [name removed]
Body: uh, yeah… but she sort of left out the details
To: [name removed]
From: Chris Walker Versus
Body: I wrote a satirical, bad-comedy piece about women and children for my blogsite. She read it and responded by telling me I was basically the biggest asshole man in the world. I told her to get a sense of humor and posted her message, without her name on it, on my blogsite. Haven’t heard from her since.
To: Chris Walker Versus
From: [name removed]
Body: oh yeah, now I remember. Not that you asked my opinion but I think [name removed] likes to think of you as a guy who knows better, so when you do/write something like that it’s a HUGE let down because it’s just a reminder that most guys are sexist pigs. If you were writing for humor (well, she would say it’s not funny) and you apologized, that’s all you can do. I guess the real question is, did you mean what you wrote?
To: [name removed]
From: Chris Walker Versus
Body: Um, here’s a link to the post: CWV . You can judge for yourself whether or not I was trying to be serious or if the whole thing was a joke*.
*Hint: the whole thing was a joke. How could you possibly take that seriously?
To: Chris Walker Versus
From: [name removed]
Body: I don’t know Chris. It was very well written, I’ll give you that. To me, it just kind of goes along with the whole misogynistic, sexist attitude so many men have with women, whether you meant it as a joke or not. Reading it, I wouldn’t perceive it as a joke, and I guess [name removed] didn’t either. I can’t tell you exactly how she feels because I’m not her but coming from a woman who’s dealt with that macho crap her whole life, it’s not very funny and I’m sure [name removed] would hope that you’d put your wonderful writing skills to better use.
I don’t know if I helped or hindered but nevertheless, i’m sure she’ll get over it eventually.
—
Of course it was well written! I wrote it!
Is she serious? How hard is it comprehend the whole thing was a joke? I don’t care if you saw the humor in it or not, it’s still a joke. For God’s sake, I wrote, “If it weren’t for men fire never would’ve been invented, cross-stitching would be a sport,” etc. Newflash: men didn’t invent fire! And cross-stitching, a sport? C’mon, we all know if men didn’t exist there wouldn’t even BE sports. Except for fast-pitch softball because, let’s face it: lesbians need something to do when they’re not feasting on fish tacos or picketing for animal rights. Or whatever it is they do.
I digress.
In all seriousness, I re-read Chris Walker Vs. Women and Children just to see if, in any way shape or form, the post could’ve been perceived as anything other than a joke. It’s safe to say it can’t be – unless you’re an idiot or an oversensitive person. Just looking at the Rosie O’Donnell picture should be grounds enough to discount it as anything serious. It makes me think of the time Adam Corrola and Jimmy Kimmel were on the Man Show getting women to sign a “Stop Women’s Suffrage” petition and women were excited to participate. Get a clue. Develop a sense of humor.
Posted: October 24th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »
I stumbled upon Bill because I’m a “fan” (for lack of a better word) of Tucker Max. Bill is in Tucker’s top friends (that’s how I found him) on Tucker’s MySpace profile and now Bill is a featured artist? blogger? whatever you call it, on his own website associated with Tucker’s Rudius Media (formerly known as Festering Ass). If this doesn’t make much sense read to the bottom, click on the links, and start piecing it together yourself – like a crackerjack sleuth.
Do tons of drunken chicks approach you every night?
At what age to you think you’ll enter rehab and find Jesus?
