Chris Walker Vs. Women And Children
I was at work today, eating dead, grilled animal, when I started thinking about movies. Epic disaster movies like Titanic, Independence Day, and that other one. Ever notice when catastrophe strikes and it’s time to evacuate there’s always some “hero” screaming save the women and children first? I’m sick of women and children being saved. As I often like to say, what about me? And by me I mean men. Men are the glue of civilization. Without us, everything would collapse. Could you imagine how much the world would suck if men didn’t take care of everything?
An apocalyptic world where men don’t exist and bags-of-douche like Rosie O’Donnell have fucked everything up. God, she’s annoying.
If it weren’t for men fire never would’ve been invented, cross-stitching would be a sport, and emotions would be a good thing. Luckily, men are around to maintain order and therein lies the problem: we’re the most essential component to the survival and betterment of the human race yet the minute a boat starts to sink we’re supposed to act chivalric and die on it. That’s stupid.
Instead of “women and children first” it should be “men first, women and children maybe.” Women and children are not special. What do women do? Shop and complain. And children? Suck their parent’s finances dry only to say, “I hate you, you’ve ruined my life,” eighteen years later. Seriously, I can’t abandon you in a watery abyss fast enough. Men, on the other hand, are special. We’re providers, hunters, and gladiators, upholding all that is good. We ambitiously push civilization forward while women and children reap the benefits. Where’s the sense in forfeiting the ones making the largest contribution? There is none. Hollywood, and society in general, has it all wrong about who should live and who should sacrifice themselves when tragedy takes a dump on a bunch of people. In the rare chance my impeccable logic hasn’t convinced you I am right, here are two main points why children are expendable in catastrophic situations:
They’re replaceable. So you’ve got a slight attachment to little Timmy because he came from you. I sort of understand but trust me, you’ll get over it. Why? You can make a new and better Timmy in nine months.
They don’t work. Congratulations, now that the men are dead you’ve got no one to work and pay bills. According to Federal Government Regulations, kids can’t work until they’re 15 and then what? They make seven dollars an hour working at Hot Dog On A Stick. That’s not going to keep the heat on and buy groceries. With no men to work, and properly provide, children will starve and freeze to death thus, nullifying any reason to save them in the first place.
A woman once asked me: What about World War II when all the men went off to war? Women stepped up and took over all their jobs and responsibilities, they even played baseball. My rebuttal: Just because they did something doesn’t mean they did it right. She had no response.
A lot of people (i.e. women) are probably offended by my stance on this matter and want to ask me the question: what would Jesus do? I like to ask an even better question: what would Thor do? Aside from wielding a giant hammer (the Mjolnor), killing Captain Planet (see Chris Walker Vs. Ask For Cents), and being the best superhero ever he also battles giants and bangs hot, mythic, fertility goddesses. I can’t think of a better go-to-guy for guidance.
Let’s say Thor was on an island that was fully engulfed in fire. As the flames grew and consumed the landscape the island’s inhabitants would run to shore to evacuate on the island’s only Viking ship. When Thor nonchalantly arrived at the ship someone would say, “We can’t all fit on the Viking ship, what will we do?” Thor, omnipotent, would stand there thinking – what would I do? – until some asshole chimed in with, “Save the women and children!” Thor would then behead that idiot with his Mjolnor.
Coming to an infallible decision, Thor would gather the strongest, smartest men on the island to help him push the ship off shore. Once into water these same men would jump on board and set sail. The women and children, dumbfounded, would say, “What about us? Women and children first, right?” Thor would laugh and use his god powers to teleport Keira Knightley, Emmy Rossum, and Jessica Alba onto the ship and reply, “Sorry, all full.”
As Thor triumphantly sailed away the women and children would be at the edge of island – fire surrounding them – screaming, “Save us!” Thor, all-supreme and dominant would reply, “Suck it, losers.” Then the women and children would burn up on the island, or get eaten by Great White Sharks if they jumped in the water. Keira Knightley, Emmy Rossum, and Jessica Alba would feed the men chicken wings and beer as the Viking ship sailed to mainland. Once they arrived, the men would go on to become real-estate brokers, actors, and multi-billionaires. Thor would remain a god.
Posted: July 26th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »
