Chris Walker Vs. A Sad Day For Strippers

I’ve got two things to say.

Number One: If you’ve told me to update my site; asked when I’m going to update my site or, requested I write about last weekend in Vegas I have one thing to say to you: shut up. It’ll get done when it gets done.

Number Two: I’m opinionated and rip on tons of shit. It’s true however; as prejudice as I may be on an issue I like showing both sides of the coin whenever the situation calls for it. For instance, in the first Dumbing Down of America series I presented both anti-beer pong and pro-beer pong pieces in order to give you a broader spectrum before you came to your own conclusion. Just because I think something sucks doesn’t mean you have to agree. You’re wrong, of course, but who really cares? Not me.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is the lack of updates is due to the fact I was waiting for a pro-strip club piece to be written by my Strip Club Aficionado friend, Dawon. I figured since I’d spent an entire story belittling strip clubs and soulless whores – I’m sorry, strippers – the least I could do was offer up a positive opinion from a guy who when referring to strip clubs says, “Hey, sometimes you just want to go where everyone knows your name.”

Unfortunately, Dawon is too busy and feels unable to write me something that would be to his full potential and therefore, there will be no pro-strip club story. Yes, a sad day for strippers however, it also means I don’t have to wait around anymore so fresh shenanigans are on the way. Wipe away those tears, baby birds; your day is born anew.

In another letdown for whores, I asked Dong Wang to find a picture of either a sad looking stripper or a crying stripper to accompany this post and he came back with jack shit. Evidently, no one’s ever caught a stripper crying on camera and posted it on the internet. Hmm, I wonder why. Could it be because strippers don’t have feelings? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Suck it, pole-humpers.

In other news…

Sound Team album, Movie Monster, came out this week and although I wouldn’t call it the soundtrack of the summer it’s pretty damn good. Some of my standout favorites are “Born to Please,” “Your Eyes Are Liars,” and “Shattered Glass.”

After receiving it in the mail I can say with great confidence and authority the Beirut album, Gulag Orkestar, I’ve occasionally mentioned and linked to is every bit as good as I knew it would be. It’s quirky and offbeat and absolutely fucking solid.

After finally finding the perfect moment to listen to the new Tool album, 10,000 Days, in its entirety – completely uninterrupted, as I like to do with Tool albums – I can officially say it sucks. I waited five years for Lateralus, Part Two, Only Super Shitty? It couldn’t end fast enough. Sure, “Vicarious” is okay but I liked it better when it was called “The Grudge.” Whatever.

Aside from Gulag Orkestar, the only new album I’ve heard that I’ve actually enjoyed – and I will undoubtedly catch shit for this – is the new AFI album, decemberunderground. It’s a great album and you can tell a lot of hard work and dedicated craftsmanship went into it. And if anyone says either a.) dude, they totally sold out; or b.) I like their old shit better, you should fly to China; throw your body into a food processor, and be that weeks “special ingredient” on Iron Chef. You’re worthless as an oxygen consuming being.

Good day.

Posted: June 8th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »