Chris Walker Vs. Flat Stanley

This is Flat Stanley:

Flat Stanley is part of a grade school project and comes from a state I don’t live in. Probably Texas or something; I don’t know. Kids draw their own Flat Stanley, laminate him, and mail him to family and friends so they can take pictures of Flat Stanley in places the kids can’t actually visit. The Mrs.’ cousin made a Flat Stanley and now he is in our possession.

You’d think Flat Stanley would be a nice guy. He’d want to take pictures by monuments, lakes, and museums, right? Wrong. Flat Stanley is a whore and a pervert. The Mrs. and I brought him on the Mexico cruise thinking we’d get some nice shots of him by points of interest but all Flat Stanley wanted was booze, drugs, and sketchy women.

Case and point:

This is Flat Stanley after a long night of blow and hookers. Notice the Magnum wrapper? Don’t let his short stature fool you; the guy’s hung like a rhinoceros. I only know this because every time he got loaded off Peach Schnapps he wouldn’t put the thing away.

This picture was taken right after Flat Stanley assaulted a tourist. Out of nowhere he just slapped this random chick in the face, spit on her leg, and started double-fisting margaritas. I thought it was hilarious so I took a picture. I think this was his third round.

Here’s a picture of Flat Stanley feeling up a local restaurant patron. He was so hammered he started stammering from table to table, eating people’s tacos, and grabbing breasts. At one point, I tried to stop him but he swung at me so I left him alone. If only the children knew how ruthless Flat Stanley really is.

By the time we got to Mazatlan Flat Stanley was so jacked off a combination of vodka, speed, and coke he was barely keeping it together. Once we got to this bar he ordered a round of drinks, fell over, and started chain smoking like a furnace. Later, he puked in the ladies bathroom.

I took this picture after catching Flat Stanley going down on some random slut in our cabin. He’s absolutely unstoppable.

And there you pretty much have it: the adventures of Flat Stanley in Mexico. Profanity, illegal substances, alcohol, sex, and reckless abandon.

Chris Walker Vs. Quite Possibly The Greatest Thing On The Internet

Exciting news. Two things were brought to my attention today:

Number one: according to a recent study drinking up to three beers a day might actually be good for you. Scoreboard for my liver.

Number two: is quite possibly the greatest thing currently on the internet. Better than porn, better than MySpace, better than meeting singles in chat rooms.

MC Hammer has a blog.

He may not be able to put out a quality album but he can sure give some great advice to Barry Bonds. Today Hammer writes Barry, “Under know circumstances can you…“ Wait, wait, wait, Hammer, don’t you mean under “no” circumstances? Oh well; who cares about grammar? The important thing is you have a blog!

Go on with your bad self, Funky Headhunter! Hammertime!

Chris Walker Vs. The Season Of Lent

The Oscars are over and the Religious Right is sleeping easy. Why, you ask? Bareback Mount-Me didn’t win best picture; Heath Ledger didn’t win best actor; Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t win best supporting actor. That’s why. The Lord denied those steer-herdin’, sausage-link lovin’ queers and served another moral victory for upstanding Christians everywhere. Hallelujah, praise Jesus!

Ignore the fact Brandt from The Big Lebowski won Best Actor portraying Truman Capote, a prolific writer from the Beat Era of American Literature, who also happened to love dudes because, lets be honest for a moment, no one actually saw Capote and Christian moralists are too stupid to know anything aside from “bible study is fun” and “Grand Theft Auto poisons our youth.” That’s right, I’ll say it: unless it’s an afternoon of VeggieTales or a post-Mass viewing of The Passion of the Christ I don’t think it’s essential to our development as effective high-horse riding, bible-thumpers.

Having said that, I sure am happy “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” won best original song from a motion picture. Classic.

Why am I beating up on Christians? Because it’s that time of year again. It’s the season of Lent. I know I’m a little late, it’s all ready started, but like they say, “It’s better to be late than fondling an Altar Boy after a sermon!” (I do apologize; the devil’s got my tongue today.) Lent is the time of year when Christians prepare forty days and forty nights for the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ on Easter Sunday. Or at least that’s what I learned on SundaySchoolLessons.com. For the majority of modern Christians (who believe a rabbit hiding eggs and a fat, bearded man climbing down your chimney to leave you treats accurately signifies Easter and Christmas, respectively) Lent is also time to “free yourself from sin” and give something up. To show appreciation for Jesus’ plight your grandmother stops eating chocolate and your friend Steve quits saying “cocksucker” for a whole forty days. Just like being nailed to a cross.

(By the way, hasn’t anyone paid attention to Santa Claus? Look at that beard; he is clearly a Hasidic Jew. But hey, as long as he keeps leaving me treats I don’t deserve once a year I’m not complaining.)

However opposed to traditions of Lent I may be instead of sitting in my tower, being a naysayer, I’m going to participate. I’m going to give something up. In fact I’m going to give two things up. I thought long and hard about my vices, the evils that plague my daily existence, and it became quite clear what I need to give up. So here it is. For the season of Lent I’m giving up on Christianity and Catholicism. For forty days and forty nights (or however many days are left in Lent) I’m giving up on the organized institutions of Christianity and Catholicism. What’d you think I was going to say, drinking? Yeah, right! St. Patrick’s Week is just around the corner, I’m not missing out on that. (And yes, I meant to type St. Patrick’s Week; I’m turning St. Patrick’s Day into a week long celebration.)

You’re probably thinking, “Chris, you just bagged on the ridiculous shenanigans associated with Easter and Christmas yet you buy into the marketing monkeyshines of St. Patrick’s Day? You’re a hypocrite.” My rebuttal: So? Why are we celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, anyway? Because St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland? Let’s be honest. St. Patrick drove the pagans and druids (other ways of saying “non-catholic”) out of Ireland and converted the place to Catholicism after thirty-three years. Is it truly a holiday? No. If we really had holidays for that kind of behavior in America there’d be Thomas Jefferson Day to commemorate the conversion of Native Americans to Christianity, or killing them for not doing so. We’d all be proud we had a great-great-grandpa who traveled through New Hampshire one time and we’d get bombed off Sam Adams beer. Sorry, St. Patrick’s Day isn’t a real holiday. St. Patrick wasn’t even Irish. He was British, sold into Ireland as a slave for six years. The day is a farce to begin so what the hell; just go with it. St. Patrick’s Day is an excuse to embrace your Irish heritage, wear shamrocks, get completely blitzcregged off Guinness, and act like a raving, drunken, Irishman. I’d have to forfeit my manhood for refusing to acknowledge such a glorious day.

As always, I digress. I’m giving up on Christianity and Catholicism because they’re ridiculous. I still want to believe in God and a spiritual presence transcending common man but as far as these two organized religions go, I quit. Give my seat to a recovering drug addict. Former drug abusers love religion. Ask our president.

Maybe I don’t like organized religion because it’s man-made; written and decided by people in positions of power. If you don’t believe me here’s an example: Martin Luther wholeheartedly believed Purgatory existed in 1519. By 1530 he had a change of heart. Since then, Protestant denominations haven’t taught belief in purgatory. Did God come down and say, “Hey guys you know that purgatory stuff you keep yapping about, it’s about as real as unicorns and Bigfoot.” I don’t think so. Human beings are trying to tell you what the afterlife is like. That’s like me telling you how great it is to win a Superbowl.

Don’t even get me started on the bible, a book written, edited, and altered throughout history by men in power – transmuting it at their own discretion. Entire parts have been removed because influential people didn’t like them. Furthermore, the stories are parables, they’re not real. You’re telling me because Eve ate a forbidden apple child birth became painful? Kind of like how the Greek’s believed a deity named Apollo controlled the pattern of the sun? Those stories don’t directly correlate but the point is they both explain how and why something happens. C’mon ladies, you’re pushing a human being out of a tiny hole. You really think it would feel like kittens and ice cream sundaes if the first woman hadn’t snacked on an apple? Be serious. Guys, you ever dropped a shit so gargantuan it was painful and you felt like passing out midway through? Isn’t that mildly similar to child birth? What, did Adam chow down on the sacred tomato so God made giant shits hurt? Where’s our parable for that?

My favorite is when people say, “Well, how did the same stories manage to be told by different people in different regions? Communication wasn’t that good.” Oh, I don’t know. How do two different volcano movies come out of separate Hollywood studios at the same time (i.e. Volcano and Dante’s Peak circa 1997)? How do two presidential daughter movies come out at the same time (i.e. Chasing Liberty and First Daughter circa 2004)? On top of that, the region you’re talking about wasn’t that big. They had means for transportation and writing utensils (Dead Sea Scrolls, anyone?) If you need reference look in your bible – they typically have a map. It wasn’t like someone had a story in China and another guy in New Zealand was telling the exact same one. It was the Middle East. The most they had to cross was a river.

I like this one too, “Scientists can actually find locations where events from the bible took place.” Really? They can also find the Aegean Sea and where the city of Troy would have been but you don’t actually believe the events in Homer’s Iliad actually occurred, do you? I’ve seen pictures of Air Force One but I don’t really believe Harrison Ford was our president, battling Gary Oldman on it. I can find where Middle Earth was filmed in New Zealand but it doesn’t make Lord of the Rings real – no matter how many nerds sign a petition. Anyone heard of fiction?

Christianity and Catholicism fall into the same realm of Greek mythology, Norse mythology, and any other form of mythology. It just so happens the people who believed in the bible won more wars. Guess what happens when you win more wars? You get to take your beliefs into the places you conquer.

So anyway, how’s your Lent going?