Chris Walker Vs. Airport Security… Yet Again

I made the mistake of exiting the “secure area” at the Orlando airport, after a flight from Miami, and had to go through security again. (Even though the nice lady at the Continental podium explicitly told me not to do this. What can I say, it was early.) I walk up to the security personnel, present my ID and plane ticket…

Security Woman: “Oh. You should really use your full name when booking your tickets. See, your ticket says Chris and your ID says Christopher–”
Me: “I didn’t even book my flight through Continental; I booked it through United.”
Security Woman [not listening]: “Yeah, but you see–”
Me: “United made me check in with Continental. I literally have no control over that.”
Security Woman: “Okay; just for next time…”

I should write a book about how pointless airport security is. Believe me, I’m all for making air travel safe but, really, all we’re making it is dumber. Knock it off and let me on my plane.

Chris Walker Vs. Sitting In A Window Seat On A Five Hour Flight To LAX

Flight Attendant: “Can I get you something to drink?”
Me: “Double vodka on the rocks, please.”
Flight Attendant: “I can’t do a double, I can do single.”
Me: “You can’t do a double? Yeah, a single is fine.”
Flight Attendant: “Six dollars.”
I hand the flight attendant the five dollar bill in my hand and reach for my wallet.
Flight Attendant: “Six dollars.”
Me: “Yeah, I know. I’m getting my wallet.”
I hand the flight attendant another five dollar bill.
Flight Attendant: “I’m not going to be able to bring you change for a while. Do you just want two vodkas?”

Evidently, a profession that requires you to spend a lot of time in the air also makes you an idiot.

Chris Walker Vs. Airport Security (Is Stupid, And So Are You)

“If you bought a bottle of $85 scotch from duty-free, and you’ve got it with you, find a friend and drink it now because you cannot bring it past me,” said the airport security personnel who looked like Snoop Dogg. “I will take it from you and I will throw it away. I’m not kidding, people. If it’s a liquid, pull it out of your bag!”

I’ve always considered airport security an exercise in stupidity, conducted by stupid people, especially in American airports, which I’ve been spending a lot of time in. I knew things were different in American airports — more retarded, perhaps — when I had to remove my flip-flops in the Las Vegas airport, because an inch of rubber poses a significant threat to national security, yet I didn’t have to remove my shoes or jacket at the airport in Sydney, Australia.

That being said, after several layovers, I realized: maybe my views on airport security, both domestic and abroad, are wrong. The Sydney airport (as a system of personnel, procedures, and adorable accents) isn’t more civilized because it knows modern technology can detect an iPhone inside of a sports coat pocket without having the person wearing the coat take it off. And the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) policies aren’t deplorable because they treat the average American like an asshole. They’re completely justified. I mean, what do I know? There may very well be weapons of mass destruction inside the sole of a teenage boy’s shoe. Same goes for the woman juggling two small children, a stroller, and numerous bottles and blankets. She could be a terrorist, and should be treated as such until she proves she isn’t. No doubt, the overweight, high-school dropout staring into the x-ray screen, munching on Funyuns, is fully capable of determining the level of danger. These matters need to be taken seriously. If we’re not careful a tube of toothpaste or hand-lotion could destroy the free world. So could that $85 dollars of scotch you bought in duty free.

If I hadn’t realized I hated American airport security before (I had), I realized it on my last trip through the San Francisco airport. Entering the line to go through the security checkpoint I had to present my boarding pass and ID. Not even ten steps later, I had to present my boarding pass and ID to another airport security personnel even though, if he were to tilt his head upward, ever so slightly, he could’ve watched me present them the first time. Finally, after removing my belt, my shoes, and jacket, and replacing them with the illusion of safety, I passed through the metal detector and had to present my boarding pass yet again. Silently fuming, I reminded myself: this isn’t excessive or profoundly unnecessary, this is keeping our airways safe from terrorism. Right, America?

But perhaps even more discouraging than the ridiculousness of airport security is the letdown of the average American. As much as I love to complain about TSA policies and security personnel, I understand it just has to be dealt with. You take off your shoes and coat, and you play the game when you travel. You mock the idiots in uniform as they waddle around, and before you know it you’re sitting in a terminal bar, washing away the time before your flight with a shot of whiskey. Nothing’s going to change the procedures, the protocol, the bullshit. Not petitions, not letters to your congressmen. Nothing.

My problem is: I thought everyone knew this. I thought everyone around me, when they hear the obese half-a-tard up by the conveyor belt scream about lighters they all think to themselves, “Shut up. We already know. No liquids, we get it. Quit insulting our intelligence.” But then, when I finally got up to the guard who’d been yelling about the scotch, after presenting my boarding pass and ID twice, I overheard this exchange:

Guy In Front Of Me: “What about my thermos, do I need to pull it out?”
Airport Security Personnel: “Does it contain any liquid, sir?”
Guy In Front Of Me: “Yeah.”
Airport Security Personnel: “Then pull it out of your bag.”

How did the guy in front of me not get it? It doesn’t matter what material your container is made out of, if it has liquid in it you have to pull it out. That’s just the way it is. He really had to ask; he couldn’t figure it out? Oh, it’s wet, but maybe… No, just pull it out. And it wasn’t even like he was “standing up to the man,” or being defiant because he’s fed up with being treated like a criminal in his own country, which he presumably loves but is equally appalled by its asinine on-goings, its failed bureaucracy, and threat levels labeled fuschia, or whatever, which mean absolutely nothing. No; he was just a moron who had to ask whether liquid in a thermos still qualified as liquid.

The common sense of the common man had let me down. I was sad. Sad for him. Sad for the average American, and sad for the American government’s inability to react to anything* in a rational manner. I was sad for the obese people in SFO, waiting in line at Burger King to mindlessly eat something disgusting but probably don’t even get upset about what’s happened to their “freedoms.” I was sad because considering our social climate, security measures can and presumably will only get more absurd.

* I’m overgeneralizing, of course.

EDIT: During my last jaunt through Reno’s airport security I recognized one of the airport security personnel, a moment I never thought would happen. I’ve always thought of airport security personnel, collectively, as a faceless monster which I could deride as such, never actually knowing the history, or personal backstory, of any given member. Suddenly, the monster had a face.

The last time I saw the person standing before me in a TSA uniform, staring mindlessly into the x-ray screen and swabbing shoes with whatever it is they swab shoes with, he had just attempted to eat a fifty-by-fifty at In-N-Out Burger. That’s right: fifty buns, fifty meat patties, fifty slices of cheese. Come to think of it, it may have been as many as a hundred. And while I cannot confirm this, I’ve got reason to believe — due the combination of people he associated with and the fact he found trying to eat an inane amount of meat, bread, and cheese a worthwhile endeavor — the guy now checking boarding passes and wearing a flashlight on his belt was a heavy pot smoker.

Now, I’m not making value judgments — I’ve done some wild shit in my time — but is this really someone we want keeping our airways “safe”? A pot smoking, beer pong player, who pulls stunts at fast food restaurants in his off hours? I just wonder if hiring people like him are the best use of our government’s money; maybe he’d be better suited to patrol an outdoor mall.