Why Here? Why Now? A Mission Statement of Sorts.

I wrote the following on my Tumblr in May 2010, after I decided to move my writing there. I no longer write here for the reasons below so, if you’re interested in reading what I currently have to say or am listening to or whatever, go here instead. Take care.

From MySpace to Blogger to WordPress, for better or worse, CHRSWLKRVS has savagely staggered across the internet for six years. I can’t believe I’ve been at it this long. What started as douchey, now cringe-worthy rants about trips to Best Buy and drunken altercations, turned into an opportunity to interview my favorite up-and-coming bands, some of which have gone on to be quite successful (ie: Grizzly Bear). CHRSWLKRVS became a stage for satire, a catalog of deranged ideas like the Church of Rick Rambis, and evolved into an avenue where I could abrasively address personal interests like the obesity epidemic, America’s relationship with food, the meat industry, cocktail culture, and other social issues.

CHRSWLKRVS has taken me on an exciting journey. It has built relationships, ruined relationships, outraged fat people and oversensitive would-be feminists, made people laugh, and, on occasion, provided worthwhile insight. It has granted me a lot of opportunities, gotten me into shows for free, and introduced me to some truly remarkable individuals. I wonder where else I could’ve gone with CHRSWLKRVS had I taken it more seriously, or devoted all my energy into it.

Alas, I never have, and lately posts have been beyond sporadic. Part of it I blame on the fact my designer friend hasn’t completed the redesign after seven months, and left it so unmanageable I barely know how to log in; part of it I blame on the fact I’ve lacked direction and discipline, and have focused much of my efforts on a newer online venture. Nevertheless, I think people have enjoyed CHRSWLKRVS as much as they’ve disliked it, and it’s something worth continuing. So, I’m bringing it to Tumblr. It may seem like a downgrade but I think Tumblr is the perfect setting, and will presumably inspire me to approach CHRSWLKRVS with passion, something I hadn’t often done in its last incarnation. I hope you enjoy what goes on here, and if you don’t… I hope you hate it enough to say something.

This is Chris Walker Versus. Everything.

Chris Walker Vs. Publicly Funded Abortion

“There will be no public funding for abortion in this legislation,” affirmed Michigan Democratic Representative Bart “Baby Killer” Stupak(1) on Sunday, March 21, 2010. Unfortunately for Stupak, that statement wasn’t true. The recently passed health care reform bill does include public funding for abortion. I’m okay with that.

For many politicians, Republicans and Democrats alike, federal funding(2) for abortion was a big point of contention during the health care reform debate. It can even be argued the only reason health care reform passed is because of a last minute executive order President Obama made to gain the support of pro-life Dems, Stupak included. (Dems also supported the bill with the promise of reconciliation, which will effectively ‘fix’ discrepancies in the bill. Read more about reconciliation in the ‘Links’ section at the end.)

Abortion hasn’t been wholly funded by the federal government since 1977 when the Hyde Amendment was enacted. The Hyde Amendment “excludes abortion from the comprehensive health care services provided to low-income people by the federal government through Medicaid,” according to the American Civil Liberties Union’s (ACLU) website(3). Under the Hyde Amendment, abortion is only federally funded in extreme circumstances such as rape, incest, or when the mother’s life is in jeopardy.

Here’s the thing: Even with the executive order, people receiving government subsidies for health care are able to buy policies that include abortion; therefore, federal funding can still technically be used for abortions. That’s why many are calling President Obama’s grand gesture a sham, and Stupak’s abrupt change of heart just another example of politicians being politicians. This isn’t anything to get upset about, though. With health care reform passing, Americans now required to get health care coverage under penalty of fines, with everyone from the middle class to the top out of sight carrying the financial burden for those who can’t afford it, this could be a good thing. It’s time we all reevaluated our stance on abortion.

First, we need to be honest with ourselves: Child birth is not special, nor is life any longer a miracle. A miracle by definition is a “highly improbable or extraordinary event”. Babies, tons of them, perhaps too many, are born every single day; the occurrence is not improbable nor extraordinary. In fact, child birth is pretty common; you might even call it boring. Babies are not amazing, either. I know; everything is ‘amazing’ since ‘amazing’ is the only adjective any of us know how to use anymore but, seriously, your baby isn’t. Is he developing time travel technology or curing AIDS? No? He’s just lying there, shitting himself and crying all day? And you’re telling me if you weren’t to constantly look after him, left to his own devices, he would die? Your baby isn’t amazing, your baby is quite the opposite. Your baby is dumb.

Furthermore, too many stupid people are having babies, babies that are raised (or aren’t raised, rather) to be stupid kids, stupid kids who grow up and have stupid babies of their own, and so the incessant cycle goes. Idiots are running rampant in our country, jobless and condomless, pumping out fellow welfare recipients as if it’s a moral obligation. It then becomes the responsibility of people who’ve actually bought into the system — people who responsibly have children, who productively contribute to society, who’ve obtained good paying jobs in order to provide themselves a desired quality of life, who go to work all week and still cling to the virtues of Capitalism (the ideals that hard and honest work is well-rewarded) — to pay for these cavorting slobs and their ill-fortuned offspring.

Now that we’ve established babies aren’t special and morons are having too many of them, here’s my proposal: Health care is now mandatory, however unconstitutional that may be according to the Tenth Amendment? Fine. The government is going to raise my taxes because they’ve determined by getting an education and going to work everyday, and by being unwed and childless I’m a greedy-fuck-pig who should pay for the bad life-decisions of low-income individuals, decisions I wasn’t even consulted on? Okay; I’ll carry that cross. But if everyone has to have health insurance now, and you’re going to tax me more to make sure everyone gets it, I ought to be able to determine which health care programs my hard-earned money goes toward. Fair enough? Great. In that case, I want all of my money to go to federally funded abortions.

We need publicly funded abortion now more than ever. I can almost guarantee in the time it took me to write this over a hundred future welfare, and now health insurance, recipients were born. We don’t need them; sorry, we’re at capacity. By allocating my tax dollars to federally funded abortion, I’m doing my part to ensure all “under-privileged” but unfortunately fertile mothers-to-be are granted the opportunity to knock it out, all expenses paid, beforehand, saving us all yet another never-ending headache. (While they’re at it, they ought to tie some tubes, too.)

A lifetime of additional taxes or a couple hundred upfront to end it now?(4) I’d like my tax dollars to support the latter, thank you. Do us all a favor, low-income, pregnant women of America: End for yourself today what will undoubtedly be a burden on us all tomorrow. Over thirty precent of my monthly income is ready and waiting. Together, we can defeat this deficit. Yes we can!

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1. Maybe or maybe not according to Texas Republican Representative Randy Neugebauer, who either yelled “baby killer” or “it’s a baby killer,” at Stupack on the House floor (depending on whether you believe the tapes or Neugebauer), which is pretty ironic considering Texas is home of the death penalty. Stupak’s stance is anti-abortion, and he opposed federal funding of abortion in the health care bill. According to Stupak, he only agreed to vote in favor of the bill after an executive order from President Obama, ensuring no federal funds would go to abortion.

2. Public and federal funding are interchangeable. The public’s taxpayer dollars go to the federal government and into federally funded programs.

3. It should be noted the ACLU wants the Hyde Amendment repealed. You can read the complete text of the Hyde Amendment here.

4. This logic somewhat mirrors my stance on education. If we were to provide more money to grade schools, better paying teachers and ensuring greater resources, children would probably be more educated, and the tax paying public wouldn’t have to support so many of them later in life. In other words, by strongly investing early on, we won’t have to spend so much later, and we’d end up with superior results.

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LINKS AND RESOURCES

The White House Blog: One More Step Towards Health Insurance Reform (Obama’s executive order ensuring enforcement and implementation of abortion restrictions in the patient protection and affordable care act)

Abortion issue seen as key to health care reform passage, by Ed Hornick, CNN

National Abortion Federation: Public Funding for Abortion: Medicaid and the Hyde Amendment

Tenth Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America

Fox News: Choice, Life Group Slams Obama Order on Abortion Funding

Why I wrote the ‘Stupak amendment’ and voted for health-care reform, by Bart Stupak

CBS News: Senate Passes Reconciliation Health Bill

Using Reconciliation Process to Enact Health Care Reform Would Be Fully Consistent With Past Practice, by Paul N. Van de Water and James R. Homey

Chris Walker Vs. The New America, Part 1: Childhood Obesity

In an effort to stay “fair and balanced” (and I’m not talking about FOX’s skewed interpretation of the phrase), I like to get my biased reporting from several outlets, one of them being CNN. Last night, I was looking for a health care reform update from my boy Andy Coopy (or Anderson Cooper 360, if you prefer), when the Silver Fox introduced the first of a three-part series on childhood obesity. Oh, my favorite.

MARIA’S STRUGGLE

Part one was about a 14-year-old girl named Maria who, after topping out at 445 pounds, underwent experimental weight loss surgery which removed 80 percent of her stomach. “Maria’s always been a junk food junkie,” narrated CNN’s Randi Kaye, “Dieting never worked. So, a few years back Maria pleaded with her mother to find a doctor willing to do weight loss surgery on teenagers.”

Maria’s doctor, Dr. Evan Nadler, explained why he performed the controversial procedure, “Her [Body Mass Index] … put her in the highest risk category. Not just morbidly obese but actually two categories higher than that.” She received the surgery after writing a letter to her insurance company. “Doctors have told me for years that if I keep gaining weight I’m not going to see 18, and that has terrified me. I want to live; I want to do so many things, and I knew this was my only option to do them.”

Since the surgery, Maria is off junk food, getting regular exercise, and has lost 45 pounds.

THE CHRSWLKRVS EVALUATION

If you think I’m going to go on a tirade about this young girl, you’re wrong. I’m saddened by the situation and think Maria’s a victim. Instead, I’m going to share some things I noticed, or didn’t notice, in the CNN video(1). (Video link at the end.)

MARIA’S PARENTS ARE WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT

CNN failed to mention that so I thought I would: Maria’s parents are worthless pieces of shit. Those slovenly oafs. Those bloated torturers. They’re the reason Maria is a gigantic, tragic mess. It’s not like Maria grew up in a healthy-eating, active household and now that she’s in college she can’t say “no” to any milkshake she passes by. She weighed 75 pounds when she was four-years-old! How does that happen? “Maria’s parents are overweight too,” CNN’s Randi Kaye explains, “and admit they don’t eat healthy foods.” What do they eat, then? Fast food, processed foods, microwavable foods, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, meals containing more calories than one person should eat in two days (looking at you, Claim Jumper), ice cream, candy, sodas, “cheap” food.

Speaking of Oscar Mayer, they’re currently running a “Good Mood” Mission on their website, and at the top of the main page you can you can finish this sentence, “it doesn’t get better than…” Here’s my contribution:

Click to enlarge.

Clearly, Maria’s parents have fed her the same garbage they’ve eaten since an extremely young age. That’s why she’s obese now. They’re responsible for her alarmingly high risk of diabetes, bone disease, heart disease, and death. They’re bad parents, and they’ve literally tortured their daughter for 14 years. Seriously, I don’t see how turning a child into a 445 pound, waddling carcass is any less severe than physically beating or molesting one. Child Protective Services should’ve come and taken Maria and her fat little brother away long before Maria needed extreme surgery(2), at an age where she can’t even drive into the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s with a Learner’s Permit.

Furthermore, while I consider Maria a victim now, her parents are raising her to be as weak and worthless a member of society as they are. If doctors told me I needed to stop gaining weight otherwise I would die in two years — and I was terrified because I wanted to live and had so much to do — I wouldn’t just drown my sorrows in a bucket of KFC, and decide my fate was out of my hands. I’d, as Maria says in the beginning of the video, hop on a treadmill. I wouldn’t get on a diet, I would change my diet. Congratulations, Maria’s parents, you’re teaching your daughter to not take responsibility for her actions, to blame her condition on factors outside her control, and that the only way to self-betterment is through the handouts of others. Congratulations, you are the new America.

WII SPORTS VS. REAL SPORTS

In the video, when CNN’s Randi Kaye says, “She’s off junk food, getting regular exercise,” we’re shown a scene where Maria is playing a video game on Nintendo’s Wii gaming console with her younger brother. That’s not exercise! When I play God of War 3 on the PlayStation, I get so excited I actually stand up when I play. I kick my sofa and yell at the little guy on the screen and throw my controller. Then I have to run into the next room to find it, and kneel down to pick it up. Countless times. Guess what? None of that is even close to working out. Neither is driving to the store to buy a new controller.

If you believe playing video games on the Wii or playing Wii Fit or Wii Sports is exercise you are an idiot. If you are a parent, and you believe when your children play the Wii it’s exercise, you shouldn’t be allowed to raise them. “Yeah, but it’s a step in the right direction.” No, it’s not. Put your kids into a soccer league or Pop Warner football; put them in gymnastics or even Tae Kwon Do. Something. You can’t even compare playing the Wii to that half hour, 45 minutes, whatever of that kind of activity time. Aside from the actual exercise, the respect, discipline, and responsibility kids learn, the relationships they build from the social interaction are far more beneficial than any time spent in front of the TV, swinging a plastic “nunchuck”(3).

AMERICA NEEDS A PUNCH IN THE FACE(4)

The fact that a 14-year-old girl needs 80 percent of her stomach removed in an attempt to not be obese is deplorable. We’re all lazy and weak and need a strong wake up call. I’ve been told if I presented my arguments more diplomatically, more people would listen. All TLC has gotten us is triple-decker BLTs. We’ve gotten so out of control, verbal abuse and ass-kicking(4) is really the only option.

Parents, you are failing your children, and failing the responsibility to your country to raise them to be something other than pathetic leeches on society. Stop letting your kids play their Nintendo DS at the dinner table (if you even eat at the dinner table at all) and talk to them, instead. God forbid you get to know them, encourage them, or raise them after you brought them into this world. God forbid you think before you have kids, 300 pound Oakland mother who suffocates her two-year-old (and also has younger child and is pregnant).

Rise and shine, Obese America. If my taxes are going to go up because of your heavy, heavy burden on health care, well then, it’s open season.

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1. Side Note: Why was the entire family walking in the middle of the street? I get it; they’re all too space-consuming to effectively fit into a sidewalk shot but what does this teach about traffic-safety, CNN? There is literally no room for a car to pass; collectively, they take up the entire length of the street, and they’re not exactly fast movers.

2. Maria’s parents aren’t the only ones. I think this should apply to any obese family.

3. This coming from someone who sucked at sports as a kid. (Also, failure is great for kids; it teaches them they don’t want it to happen all the time, and how to strive for greatness despite their shortcomings.)

4. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

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VIDEO LINK:

AC360: Video: Teen Turns to Weight Surgery