Chris Walker Vs. Girls With Dumb Ideas

Photo: xcraziiibabiii1x

Women have a lot of dumb ideas; I think this one takes first place for dumbest.

Yesterday, girls took to their Facebook pages with a mission. That mission: to post but a single word, the color of their bra. Evidently, they did this to promote breast cancer awareness. But no boys allowed! That’s right; men were not to be informed of what was going on which, if you ask me, thoroughly defeats the purpose of promotion. Furthermore, they didn’t provide any links so all these girls really fostered was confusion, simultaneously providing more concrete evidence that lots of girls are stupid.

I doubt many people (aside from girls) took the time to figure out what was going on. I mean, come on, there was a college bowl game going on yesterday afternoon. Most people probably saw some girl they know posting a color, said whatever, and then went on with their lives. Not to mention, words like “teal” and “maroon” don’t make me think of breast cancer. They make me think, man, I haven’t picked up a box of Crayolas in forever, which is now something I’m thinking about doing. Along with a Spider-Man coloring book. So, thanks for that.

The good news is, in an ass-backwards way, it worked. Not as they intended, I assure you, but in a way it did because here I am, ranting about it, publicizing it. And, after working myself into such frenzy over this nonsense, I decided in order to atone for your stupidity, ladies, for every bra-color-status-update I found on my Facebook wall, I would donate five dollars to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. I have made good on that decision. You’re welcome.

THIS IS HOW YOU PROMOTE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS:

Susan G. Komen For The Cure.

Also, if you’re feeling extra generous, this is a charity I like donating to:

Common Threads.

Chris Walker Vs. Purell Hand Sanitizer

My favorite conversation from last night.

Girl [offering me bottle of Purell]: Want some?
Me: No thanks. I don’t use that stuff. I have an immune system to fight germs.
Girl: I have a weak immune system.
Me: Maybe that’s because you use Purell.

My immune system. The same reason I don’t get flu shots, swine flu shots, and choose to fight colds (whenever I rarely get them) the old fashioned way: sans doctor’s drug prescriptions. Try it sometime.

Chris Walker Vs. Yr Horible Riting

“I just write how I talk. Besides, I was in a hurry.”

“It’s only Facebook, it’s not like [grammar] matters. Who cares?”

Whenever the topic of people’s inability to type coherent statements on social networking sites or in text messages comes up, those are the kind of responses I hear in defense. They’re excuses, really; bad ones at that. You know who cares? I do. For too long the teen-to-thirty demographic (if not older as well) has decimated the English language. I say, enough bastardization, enough shorthand and blatant misspellings. People either need to step up their literary composition, even in an arena as seemingly meaningless as Facebook, or just come clean and admit what the rest of us already assume: they’re just that stupid.

I might accept the excuses if they came from, let’s say, an Amherst graduate who found eschewing proper grammar on social networking sites provided a “much needed break” from their day job writing essays on descriptive linguistics in contrast to prescriptive grammar. That’s not the case. These excuses come from department store brand reps or restaurant servers or pool boys or whatever; not that there’s anything wrong with those professions, they just don’t require one to demonstrate a solid command over the written word.

Which leads to why writing well on outlets as trivial as text messages and social networking sites (or, god forbid, a blog) is so important: it’s the only opportunity many people have to write. Their jobs don’t demand they do it, or do it well; most are out of high school or college so they’re not worried about grades. If they’re content to poorly convey grammar on a constant if not daily basis it becomes habit. Consequently, the longer a person writes badly, the worse a writer they become, to the point where they can’t even manage a cohesive sentence or two on a social networking site. The tragic part (aside from having to read worthless Facebook updates) is these people go on to have children, children they in turn raise to be just as dumb as they are. (This is, of course, a topic for another day.)

Recently, I came across a book called Love Letters of Great Men. It’s a collection of love letters, obviously, written by the likes of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, John Keats, and Mark Twain, among others. As you might imagine, the letters are fantastically written. Take, for example, an except from Twain’s writing:

“Six years have gone by since I made my first great success in life and won you, and thirty years have passed since Providence made preparation for that happy success by sending you into the world. Every day we live together adds to the security of my confidence, that we can never any more wish to be separated than that we can ever imagine a regret that we were ever joined.”

As wondrous as the letters are, they are also troubling. The days when men, real men like Twain, wrote that beautifully are all but over. Who knows if it’s possible for them to be reclaimed. It’s hard to imagine many, if any, men I know writing with such grace. Considering the current state of man, and what it is to be “manly,” I believe it may be unlikely or, at the very least, a long, difficult road. (This is also a topic for another day.)

It’s disheartening to think in other countries there are people my age, your age, mastering several different languages while we in America clearly have a hard time proficiently expressing one; that we have a hard time using words other than “amazing” to describe anything. I’m not asking you to start using “five dollar words”; I’m not asking for eloquent phrasing. All I’m asking is you know the difference between things like ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ and apply that knowledge when typing for all to see. Demonstrate to family and friends you’re not a complete idiot. Maybe you’ll inspire someone close to you to use spell-check now and again. Just prove yourself worthy of the language bestowed upon you, even if only for yourself.