CHRIS WALKER VS. THE DUMBING DOWN OF AMERICA: GRATE YOUR OWN CHEESE

I’ve tried writing this post several times but every time I start I end up depressed, praying for the Apocalypse. It never comes. It just breaks my blackened heart to know somewhere in America a poor, disillusioned soul is opening a bag of Kraft Crumbles with the notion they’re actually preparing a meal. What pains me even more is that poor, disillusioned soul could very well be you.

Eat ‘em up – on your way to hell!

I remember the first time I saw Kraft Crumbles. I was walking through the grocery store – in the cheese section – when they appeared before me: broken up…little, pieces…of pre-crumbled cheese. That was the first time I prayed for the Apocalypse. I thought, “Are they serious? Have Americans have become so lazy we need pre-crumbled cheese? Can we not even grate our own cheese anymore? We had a good run, folks. Let’s shut it down.” I mean, pre-sliced deli meat is one thing – who wants to take home an entire slab of ham? But pre-crumbled of cheese? Some lines weren’t meant to be crossed.

Later that same week I saw the Crumbles commercial. By now you’ve probably seen it, too: the anemic grade-schoolers digging into the cheese bag while mommy shoots up black-tar heroin and slips into the bedroom with her ‘wrestling coach’ Billy as EMF’s early-Nineties hit “Unbelievable” is whored into the jingle, “They’re crumbelievable!”. No, that wasn’t the version you saw? It might as well have been. Kraft is trying to sell you pre-crumbled cheese! Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? They’re implying you’re too lazy, or too stupid, to do it yourself. You need a shortcut for cheese! What’s next, bread that’s already been toasted? It’s only a matter of time before Rachael Ray is the on the front of the Crumbles bag, telling you to melt it and pour it over Triscuits for under $40 a day. Someone hold me; I am frightened.

Perhaps even more terrible and gluttonous are Oscar Mayer’s Fast Franks. Fast Franks are microwavable hot dogs that already come in a bun. I repeat: microwavable hot dogs that already come in a bun. I didn’t even know you could do that. How do they, and then they… seriously, it boggles my mind. So, now you’re telling me not only can Americans no longer grate cheese but they can’t even take the time to cook a hot dog and then put it into a bun? How’d we end up with this nationwide obesity problem again?

I don’t know who to be more upset with: Kraft and Oscar Mayer (Oscar Mayer is a division of Kraft, by the way) for having the gall to think American consumers would actually buy this garbage or American consumers for actually buying this garbage. The whole thing infuriates me the point where, if I tried to fully articulate it, my head would explode. On the up side, at least Food Network’s resident super-villain, Sandra Lee, has two new items to include in her next Semi-Homemade Cooking bullsh– I’m sorry, book.

(Side Note: To Sandra Lee’s credit she does seem to make a lot of alcoholic drinks on her show. Then again, I always catch it while I’m on a treadmill with the sound off so it could be my imagination. Whatever.)

Call me crazy but I think some things should be done the old-fashioned way. I still chop garlic with a knife (instead of one of those absurd ‘gator’ contraptions); I make salad dressings from scratch; I can crumble or grate my own fucking cheese. Believe me when I say this: cooking is not as hard as it seems.

Food items (and I use the term loosely) like Kraft Crumbles and Fast Franks epitomize everything that is wrong with America’s food culture: unhealthy instant gratification. Sure, you could crumble your own cheese or grill a hot dog but why bother when you can have it now and easy? Stop buying this garbage. I hope no one thinks they’re actually “preparing a meal” with pre-crumbled cheese. It’s just another way of letting shitty fast food culture invade what is otherwise the tool shed of culinary arts (i.e. food markets). And, if you couldn’t tell by how fat and disgusting we all are, that invasion comes at a heavy price.

I’d say we should rise up and boycott these and other similarly awful items but I know that’s far too ambitious. I’m realistic. If I’ve convinced or rallied even one reader to not purchase these products and maybe, god forbid, attempt to actually cook – I’m satisfied. For the rest of you content with McDonald’s, a complete lack of cooking ability, and rampant obesity – just know I’m laughing at you…

…while I grate my own cheese.

Posted: April 23rd, 2007 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Food, Rachael Ray, Sandra Lee, The Dumbing Down of America | No Comments »