Chris Walker Vs. Talking Like A Pirate

Talking like a pirate is the greatest thing ever.

Disagree? You’ve obviously never spent two days talking like one. It is seriously the greatest thing ever. That is, until I find the next greatest thing ever in which case that will be the greatest thing ever. Until then, talking like a pirate is the greatest thing ever.

Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you.

Part One: Being a Pirate Is Awesome; Being a Ninja Is Gay.

Before getting into the whole talking like a pirate thing I’d like to illustrate how pirates, in general, are Grade A Certified, Charles Bronson Level, Bad Ass. How will I do this? By finally settling the long-standing debate between pirates and ninjas, conveying all the ways in which pirates are superior. Grab your ankles and prepare for the fury.

Ninjas have shurikens and ninja-kens, which are definitely sweeter than pansy-ass pirate swords, but that’s where ninja’s dominance on the Awesome Meter ends. If it weren’t for their remarkable killing devices ninjas would suck entirely. Many of you red-blooded males may be thinking, “But Chris, weapons are the coolest part.” You are mistaken.

Pirates have stupid swords but everything else about them rules. And even though their swords are crappy they’re still able to stab shit so what does it matter? It’s like taking home a fat chick after a hard night of drinking when you’re horny and lacking good judgment – definitely not your first option but she’ll get the job done, regardless. Pirates get shitfaced off rum and sail the high seas; pillaging and plundering for treasure; constantly swearing; drinking more rum; wearing eye patches; acting foul with no remorse or concern for other’s well-beings, banging pirate maidens; drinking even more rum, and most notably – they get to fire cannons at shit. If that’s not the most awesome lifestyle ever I don’t know what is. If you are a man and disagree punch yourself in the balls and start performing Vagina Monologues; you are a pussy.

A ninja’s lifestyle, much unlike a pirate’s, consists of meditating; learning awesome fighting moves only to use self-discipline and restraint of one’s abilities; being stealthy; occasionally assassinating someone; traveling on foot; and overall, being a bag of ass. Sounds like barrels of joy to me. Yeah-fucking-right. What good is learning kung-fu if you’re not running around the woods karate chopping fools in the neck with your skills? Being a ninja is dumb, being a pirate is great; this debate is so easy it’s almost appalling. Let me get this straight, I can either: a.) get drunk and fire cannons at towns and ships while wearing an eye patch, swinging on ropes accompanied by a parrot and/or monkey or I can b.) have sharp-ass ninja stars I’m not supposed to use while I climb a mountain to self-reflect and channel my inner chi? Yeah, I’m going to go with “a.”

Pirate might as well be another word for invincible and death metal. End of dispute. Shut your mouths, scallywags.

Part Two: Pirates Are Awesome, Why Not Talk Like One.

Plain and simple, talking like a pirate is great for one reason and one reason alone: you can say anything – absolutely anything – and no one will [be offended/cry/call security/clutch a bible/shoot you/fill in any form of revolted response here]. Why? Number one: they’ll be thrown off. They won’t know what to think because who the hell talks like a pirate? Answer: you do. Number two: no one takes anything in a pirate voice seriously. It might have to do with aligning stars, baked potatoes, artificial flavors, or some other shit but no one ever takes anything said in a pirate voice seriously. Sure, you might mean what you say but they don’t know that, you’re just talking like a pirate, it’s funny – they think you’re cute. Har, har. We’ll see how cute they think you are after you’ve set fire to their curtains; stole their jewels; banged their daughter; and slaughtered their lavatory plumbing with your pirate excrement. Argh!

Try this at your next social gathering, yell at someone, “You’re a pile of shit and I hope your first born dies from AIDS.” You’re likely to get punched in your head however, if you say it like a pirate, “Argh, yer a steamin’ pile o’ whale shit an’ I hope yer first born dies of the full-blowed AIDS,” everyone just laughs and continues eating chips. Trust me, it works. I did it last weekend when Dong Wang (from various Chris Walker Versus) and I traveled to Las Vegas for a blackout-tastic excursion and it worked like a charm.

On Saturday night Dong Wang and I went to my sister’s house and cooked for a bunch of her girl friends. We made meat and vegetable skewers, prosciutto wrapped asparagus, grilled chicken, grilled salad – the fucking works. What the girls do? Sat around and read US Weekly. Why? They’re whores (and their mothers never taught them how to cook). After dinner we played drinking games, blah, blah, blah, fast forward to when Pit’s McGee (from another Vegas related Chris Walker Versus) made a rule during a game of King’s Cup decreeing everyone had to talk like a pirate before they took a drink.

And the ceaseless pirate talk began. The men of the game just took it upon themselves to talk like a pirate at all times. We were drinking all the time, after all; why not just cover all bases? The pirate talk carried on through the rest of the night, the following day, and the drive back to Reno. Every time we said we said something, regardless of what it was, it was absolutely hilarious.

I wasn’t keeping score but to make a rough estimate I’d guess I said the word “whore,” directed at a present female, at least 100 times and got slapped in the lips zero times. Why? Because I was saying it like a pirate. Keeping with the rough estimates, I’m going to presume Dong Wang, Pit’s McGee, Lentzy (whom was also present) and I said the word “whore,” directed at a female, a combined 3,000 to one million times and got slapped in the lips a grand total of zero times. Dong Wang even blew one of the chicks out because of his uproarious pirate mannerisms.

So, the next time you find yourself amongst your closest friends start belittling them in a pirate voice. They’ll giggle and laugh and tell you you’re a riot. It will be fun for everyone, no one will get hurt, and all will be well with the world.

Hell, someone might even get laid.

Posted: June 9th, 2006 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Pirate Talk | No Comments »