Chris Walker Vs. The Best Video Game Ever?

Is Wii Fit the best video-game ever?

I never thought I would pose that question. Unlike a good chunk of delusional Americans, I do not consider playing the Wii an alternative to conventional exercise. When you play Wii Tennis or Wii Boxing or Wii Anything you are not working out, even if you’re standing up. How do I know this? It’s simple: if I can comfortably drink a beer while doing it, it’s not exercise.

Now there’s Wii Fit. Wii Fit, the game that “combines fun and fitness in one product,” and is “played” on a large, scale-looking device called the Wii Balance Board, which is essentially an updated Power Pad. Remember the Power Pad? I do. We used to play Nintendo Olympics, or whatever it was called, on the Power Pad. My friends and I would compete by jumping hurdles and running sprints. And afterward, we would get on our bikes and ride up the steep hills of South Reno, through creeks and fields, in parks and on streets. While riding our bikes was certainly a work out, not once did anyone, not myself, my friends, or our parents, ever considered playing video games on the Power Pad a form of exercise.

So why do I think Wii Fit might be the best video-game ever? Why don’t I chastise people for thinking “yoga” on a white piece of plastic in their living room is an acceptable substitute for the real deal? Because this game will call your children fat.

According to an online article from the United Kingdom’s Daily Mail, Wii Fit told a 10-year-old girl she was fat after she was tested by the game’s Body Mass Index (BMI). “She is solidly built but not fat,” said the girl’s father. “She was devastated to be called fat and we had to work hard to convince her she isn’t.” Solidly built, I’ll have to remember that if my kids are fat. Isn’t that what most parents tell their fat kids? I remember my mother told me I was just husky. Husky sure seemed a lot like fat to me.

Of course, not everyone is as excited about this as I am. Tam Fry of the National Obesity Forum (NOF) wants parents to ban the game from their fat kids saying, “I’m absolutely aghast that children are being told they are fat.” Well someone in this overly-sensitive, politically-correct world of ours has to do it; don’t they, Tam? Fry also thinks the game should come with a warning label. Nintendo has politely told Fry to fuck himself. Nintendo = 1, Fat People = 0.

I was just wondering: should obese people be allowed in the NOF? I’m not saying Tam Fry is obese, I’ve never seen the guy, but wouldn’t having obese people involved in an obesity forum be like having crackheads in charge of the War on Drugs? I think we have a verdict on Wii Fit: Best. Game. Ever.

LINK:
“Obesity experts condemn Nintendo’s Wii ‘Fit’ game after it tells 10-year-old girl she’s fat”

Chris Walker Vs. In Defense Of Motorized Carts, And The Fatties Who Ride Them

I’m starting to think obese people dislike me as much as I dislike them. Or maybe they’re inherently miserable. I smiled at a fat woman in the grocery store yesterday, after she and I made eye contact; she just glared at me. Then, while I was ordering tacos at the local Taqueria, the blubber-fest working the register kept shooting me “fuck-you-die” eye-daggers. And finally, there’s this reaction to Chris Walker Vs. Motorized Carts, And The Fatties Who Ride Them, which I recently received from a woman named Aleah:

“Hi there,
“I read your little note and quite frankly was appalled that you think the way you do. I have a handicap placard. I am overweight. I can walk—unfortunately not far. I have Avascular Necrosis in of both knees, which is very rare (might want to look that one up). After 3 + years of not being able to do any sort of exercise regime; I am a bit voluptuous—or in your words ‘a fatty’. With the first of two major back surgeries coming up, I don’t see anything changing for a while till I get some healing done (four herniated discs, one that’s collapsed completely, and a torn rotator cuff, of which the doctors don’t even talk about because they consider that the least of my concerns).

“I usually refuse to use the carts at the store because I was ‘paranoid’ of what someone might think. I am horrified that my fears are true now that I’ve read your post. That someone like you could (or would) prejudge me on the absolutely ONLY fact that you’d know about me—that I’m overweight. I have used the carts a few times but only with the urging of my teenage son (its faster, and wayyyy less painful). Then, and only then, he got a cart too and we raced through the store acting silly, getting everything we needed, a lot of dirty looks as well. That’s the only way I will use the carts, even though it would make my life easier. I’m so bummed that the one thing I thought I was being paranoid about with those stupid carts—is true. It ‘s a bummer that there will always be sad, ignorant, prejudiced, dorks making life miserable for people they don’t even know.

“In saying ‘ignorant’ in the previous paragraph I wasn’t calling you ignorant; I meant ignorant of someone’s condition that got him or her to ‘the cart’. So no, I wasn’t calling you ignorant. I was calling you a dork.”

I’d be a calloused bastard to keep lambasting obese people after reading that, wouldn’t I? In fact, I should probably apologize for my years of ignorant prejudice. You know how long I felt bad after reading Aleah’s story?

Approximately zero seconds.

According to the National Library of Medicine (NLM) – in conjunction with the National Institute of Health (NIH) – Avascular Necrosis, or Osteonecrosis, is a disease that stops blood supply to bones. It’s believed to be caused by long-term steroid use, alcohol abuse, joint injures, and hypertension (i.e. high-blood pressure). As Aleah wrote, Avascular Necrosis is a rare disease. I’m willing to bet none of the obese people I saw at Wal-Mart had Avascular Necrosis. If anything, they suffered from Drive-thru Super-sisis.

I love when obese people defend their size with adverse health conditions like heart disease, diabetes, high-blood pressure, and now Avascular Necrosis. What causes these health conditions? I read in a 2004 report from the NIH, “eating at fast-food restaurants more than twice per week is associated with more weight gain and insulin resistance in otherwise healthy young adults.” Can’t insulin resistance cause type 2 diabetes? Can’t diabetes cause heart disease? You bet it can. I read in a 2003 Food and Drug Administration (FDA) report, “[s]cientific evidence shows that consumption of saturated fat, trans fat, and dietary cholesterol raises low-density lipoprotein (LDL), or “bad cholesterol,” levels, which increases the risk of coronary heart disease (CHD).” Well, isn’t fast food full of saturated fat, trans fat, and bad cholesterol? Call me crazy but I’m starting to see a pattern.

This isn’t new information. We’ve known constant consumption of fast-food causes health risks. It’s common sense: cram enough shit into your body and, eventually, it will say “Fuck you, I quit.” You will get heart-disease; you will become morbidly obese; you will suffer from shortness-of-breath; you will end up on a motorized cart, cruising around Wal-Mart, stocking up on “fat-free” chips and “low-sodium” fruit juice full of high-fructose corn syrup. And when you are riding around, weighing far more than the average person should, taking up far too much personal real-estate, and you feel “paranoid” because you think considerably normal-sized people are disgusted by your sloth-like appearance, don’t act so shocked when they are.

What I’d like to know is what was Aleah’s lifestyle like before she was diagnosed with Avascular Necrosis? Was she a marathon runner, eating well, only to be tragically hindered by this chance disease? Or was she fat before, the deterioration of her knees a result of carrying around such a massive frame?

While I’m ranting here, I found it interesting that Aleah blames her “voluptuous” size on “3 + years of not being able to do any sort of exercise regime.” As if that were the problem. Have you ever noticed in those health magazines, with articles boasting “30 Day Abs,” that their regiment (not regime, which is a form of government; no wonder Aleah can’t get it together) never has anything to do with crunches and everything to do with diet? (I know you fat girls read them, I saw one of you in the Las Vegas airport flipping through Shape magazine while wolfing down a bag of M&Ms in your Lane Bryant stretch-pants.) How you look has everything to do with what you eat. Sure, a treadmill will help shed those pounds, too, but do you think health clubs are littering the streets of France or Italy? No, however; they still manage to stay relatively skinny. Either they don’t eat the same horrible things we eat or they’re superheroes. Maybe both.

Finally, what does Aleah consider “voluptuous,” anyway? 270 pounds as a natural weight, like fat rights advocate Marilyn Wann? To me, voluptuous is Nigella Lawson: she’s full-figured and sexy as shit. Lawson has a Food Network program where she unabashedly celebrates her love of chocolate. It’s food porn; not to mention, great to watch on Sunday morning while nursing a hangover.

I applaud Aleah for not depending on the motorized carts like so many Baconator-loving, bloated monsters. When her son tells her they should use the carts to save time she should tell him, “Mommy’s gotta do this the hard way because mommy has some dignity to maintain.” Remember dignity? Remember when accomplishment, self-worth, and pride were important? A time before everyone got a trophy just for participating? God, I miss those days. Obese people who ride around in motorized carts are assholes. Plain and simple.

CHRIS WALKER VS. MOTORIZED CARTS, AND THE FATTIES WHO RIDE THEM

Ask people what they fear most about the future and they’ll probably tell you cyborgs. At least some people would say cyborgs. Or, maybe just my friends would say cyborgs. I guess I can only confirm that I’d say cyborgs. Either way, you’ve got to admit a future with cyborgs is pretty scary. Anyone seen those “Renaissance” short-films from the Animatrix, where humans and machines go to war and the human race is enslaved and used as fuel? Daunting shit.

As frightening as a future with cyborgs may be, I’m more terrified by a different kind of future: a future where packs of obese people ride around on motorized carts and wheelchairs; clogging up grocery store aisles; offending others with their giant rolls of fat; boosting Funyuns stocks with their ceaseless consumption. That’s what truly horrifies me: a world where being obese and lazy is acceptable – considered a disease rather than the result of bad lifestyle choices. A world where people who’ve never learned self-restraint – unable to remove themselves from a McDonald’s drive-thru – are catered to, given special treatment like access to handicap parking and larger seats. A world where people only eat at Applebee’s*. And you know what? The future I fear most is going to be here a lot sooner than a future with cyborgs. In fact, it’s already upon us.

I was at Wal-Mart over the weekend. Not because I wanted to be there and not because I was buying anything, Wal-Mart just so happened to be the place where the person I was with was shopping at. While my friend picked up a hammer, screwdriver, thumb tacks and other miscellaneous trinkets, I people watched. All around me: a bounty of obesity. A plethora of massive, disgusting, waddling, SUV-sized individuals; their shopping carts full of saturated fats, trans fats, and sodium (not to mention calories galore), all in large “value sized” packs. Value? What’s the value? An easier chance of diabetes and shame whenever I see myself in a mirror? No thanks, I think I’ll pass.

More repulsive than the people and their food choices was the fact a lot of these prideless, rotund, sloth-like cretins were riding around in motorized carts. Slumped over themselves, fat oozing everywhere, devoid of necklines, they cruised around taking up more space than any normal person should. I know obese people on motorized carts isn’t anything new or shocking but seeing so many – so many fat people, on so many carts – was the first time outside of an airport I’ve truly taken notice and been legitimately bothered. I mean, there was even an obese couple slowly riding through the store together. Sick.

Remember when wheelchairs were reserved for people who actually couldn’t walk? People who’d lost the use of their legs? I read an article about a 28-year-old woman named Cindy who got hit by a car, fracturing her leg in the process. Weighing over 200 pounds, Cindy couldn’t use crutches so she looked into getting a wheelchair. After a friend recommended Cindy get a wheelchair for obese people, Cindy felt, and I quote, “rather insulted about the ‘obese’ part.” Are you kidding? You’re a woman who hasn’t even hit her thirties and you’re over 200 pounds! You’re a whale! Stop cramming your body full of grease and calories and maybe people will stop calling you a fatty. You could use crutches if you lost some weight! A couple months ago I was running around the streets of San Francisco, savagely drunk, when I got hit (rather substantially) by a taxi cab, rolled up on the hood and everything. Call it the grace of god if you want but I like to attribute my not dying or breaking bones (total damage: a couple bruises) to the fact after seven months of Body Pump I can take a hit. I’m not sitting around cramming my face full of Twinkies like Cindy probably is, crying because someone called her bloated carcass exactly what it is. Maybe if Cindy weren’t such a lazy glutton and visited a gym now and again she could’ve walked it off like I did.

If your legs can actually function, if you are not legitimately, clinically paralyzed, you should not be allowed on a motorized shopping cart. End of story. There is nothing more abysmal than watching a colossally fat person putter up to their mini-van (with a handicap sticker, no less) on a motorized cart and then RISE FROM THAT CART to move their drums of soda, Kraft Crumbles and Oscar Mayer Fast Franks into their vehicle. Get off your fat ass, scrape those jumbo thighs together, and walk around like the rest of us. You are not disabled, you are not handicapped, you are lazy. You are weak. Obesity is not a disease, nor should it be accepted in society. A little chubby? Sure, why not. A bit of a gut from drinking beer and eating pizza is vastly different from having a 50+ waist line. Reading an SFGate.com article where Marilyn Wann, a fat right’s advocate, describes her 270 pounds as her “natural weigh” is just plain wrong. 270 pounds is no one’s natural weigh. It’s disgusting – especially for a woman. That’s like college football player weight. And the fact we have fat right’s advocates in this world scares the shit out of me.

The Jews were right when they said “the meek will inherit the earth” however; I don’t think this is what they had in mind.

*I hate Applebee’s, personally. That’s all.