CHRIS WALKER VS. THE WHISKEY REVIEW: HOSTEL PART 2
It’s difficult to understand why Lion’s Gate promotes Hostel films (assuming there will be more, and there will) as horror when they’re clearly comedies. I haven’t laughed this hard in a movie since The Queen. No, I’m just kidding, I didn’t actually see The Queen however; I’m sure if I had I wouldn’t be laughing, I’d be sleeping.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS. That being said, it shouldn’t stop you from reading onward. It’s not like I’m ruining the end of Usual Suspects here.
THE CONS:
As much as I will admit I was entertained, Hostel Part 2 fell short in a couple areas which I will break down for you now.
Number one: not enough hot, naked chicks.
While the first Hostel was titties, titties, and mo’ titties, Hostel Part 2 only gives you a two second shot of the gorgeous, clothingless Vera Jordanova before the camera pulls away. Then it subjects you to Heather Matarazzo’s upside down boobs, as she gets hacked and slashed with a scythe by a relatively hot middle-aged woman bathing in blood, for like, five minutes. So unfair.
Speaking of the scythe scene, was it supposed to be disturbing and sadistic? I was torn between “Don’t really care,” and “Finally, the nerd gets it.” And I was sad because that’s about all the tits you get. Such a shame. I mean, come on, if you’re going to subject audiences to this kind of crap there should at least be like five more quality racks in there. Step it up.
Number two: too much character development, not enough talent.
Rocks could have performed the dialogue and they would’ve been a lot less boring/obnoxious/take your pick than the lead characters were. No more story, just kill these bitches already.
Number three: not enough gratuitous violence.
When Jay Hernandez gets beheaded in the beginning you don’t get to see it happen. When the intolerable Bijou Phillips finally gets beheaded you don’t get to see it happen. When the main bad guy shoots a little kid in the head you don’t get to see it happen. When what’s-his-name gets eaten by dogs you don’t get to see it happen. No ones getting holes drilled into them or having their Achilles tendon slashed like they did in the first film. There were no memorable cringe moments. Sure, when Roger Bart gets his dick cut off that’s pretty ruthless but at that point you’re like, “Who gives a shit? Oh, the dog is eating it now? Nice.” And when Bijou’s boyfriend is being eaten alive? Snore. For a movie that’s supposed to be all shock and gore it considerably missed the mark. Or maybe I’m just too jaded. Or had had too much to drink. Or maybe both.
Number four: not enough dead kids.
All right Eli, when I go into one of your films already expecting it to push the good taste envelope you’ve got to up the ante. A kid already got shot in Grindhouse. If you’re going to start killing little Slokajaweawhatevers you’ve got to take it up a notch. Kill two kids. Chop a kid’s head off. How about in the next installment of Hostel you just brutally murder the entire cast of High School Musical? I’d pay to see that.
THE PROS:
All complaints aside, there were some quality moments in Hostel Part 2 I feel I should highlight out of fairness:
Number one: every scene with Vera Jordanova.
Beauty marks or moles or whatever have never been so hot. If it weren’t for her in so many scenes I might’ve been a lot more bummed. Way to make the movie, girlfriend.
Number two: seeing through the eyes of the hunters as opposed to the hunted.
Although it removed a lot of the fear and atmosphere the first film tried to capture it was pretty cool to watch the guys who actually pay to do the killing instead of just seeing the killed. And that little twist at the end regarding the two male leads was appreciated, even though Fanlo and I called it beforehand.
Number three: Italian terms that will get you slapped. Or dumped.
One of the best parts about having an Italian friend your age is you get to trade all the bad words from each other’s languages. And play beer pong at 5:00 AM and eat antipasto and drink Guinness at bars in Milan you would otherwise never go to. Anyway, there’s this part in the movie where a group of Italian guys are looking for the girls on a train and as they’re knocking on doors one of the guys says something like, “Where are you, bella figa?” The Italian term “bella figa” basically translates into “nice pussy” in English; it’s like calling a girl a ‘cunt’ – or close to that. Say it to an Italian woman and she will kick your ass.
Number four: Stephen Colbert’s stunt double.
Call me crazy but Roger Bart looks just like Stephen Colbert from “The Colbert Report”:
Bart, left; Colbert, right
While Fanlo was genuinely appalled I was laughing my ass off, going, “Get her, Colbert!” I couldn’t get over it for a full minute. It was wild.
The moral of the story: when you go into a film of this caliber knowing what to expect (in this case, knowing you’re going to see bullshit) you’ll enjoy yourself a lot more. Had I gone into Hostel Part 2 with the same expectations I had for the original Hostel I probably would have been legitimately pissed off like Fanlo was. I had to laugh; as we left the theater Fanlo was fuming over it, talking about how ridiculous and stupid the movie was. He said, “This is weird because typically you’re the one who’s all pissed off and angry.” He’s was right but I just didn’t care – I thought the movie was hilarious. It was nice to not be so judgmental and opinionated for once. God bless the whiskey, I guess.
Posted: June 15th, 2007 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Hostel 2, The Whiskey Review | No Comments »