Chris Walker Vs. The New America, Part 1: Childhood Obesity
In an effort to stay “fair and balanced” (and I’m not talking about FOX’s skewed interpretation of the phrase), I like to get my biased reporting from several outlets, one of them being CNN. Last night, I was looking for a health care reform update from my boy Andy Coopy (or Anderson Cooper 360, if you prefer), when the Silver Fox introduced the first of a three-part series on childhood obesity. Oh, my favorite.
MARIA’S STRUGGLE
Part one was about a 14-year-old girl named Maria who, after topping out at 445 pounds, underwent experimental weight loss surgery which removed 80 percent of her stomach. “Maria’s always been a junk food junkie,” narrated CNN’s Randi Kaye, “Dieting never worked. So, a few years back Maria pleaded with her mother to find a doctor willing to do weight loss surgery on teenagers.”
Maria’s doctor, Dr. Evan Nadler, explained why he performed the controversial procedure, “Her [Body Mass Index] … put her in the highest risk category. Not just morbidly obese but actually two categories higher than that.” She received the surgery after writing a letter to her insurance company. “Doctors have told me for years that if I keep gaining weight I’m not going to see 18, and that has terrified me. I want to live; I want to do so many things, and I knew this was my only option to do them.”
Since the surgery, Maria is off junk food, getting regular exercise, and has lost 45 pounds.
THE CHRSWLKRVS EVALUATION
If you think I’m going to go on a tirade about this young girl, you’re wrong. I’m saddened by the situation and think Maria’s a victim. Instead, I’m going to share some things I noticed, or didn’t notice, in the CNN video(1). (Video link at the end.)
MARIA’S PARENTS ARE WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT
CNN failed to mention that so I thought I would: Maria’s parents are worthless pieces of shit. Those slovenly oafs. Those bloated torturers. They’re the reason Maria is a gigantic, tragic mess. It’s not like Maria grew up in a healthy-eating, active household and now that she’s in college she can’t say “no” to any milkshake she passes by. She weighed 75 pounds when she was four-years-old! How does that happen? “Maria’s parents are overweight too,” CNN’s Randi Kaye explains, “and admit they don’t eat healthy foods.” What do they eat, then? Fast food, processed foods, microwavable foods, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, meals containing more calories than one person should eat in two days (looking at you, Claim Jumper), ice cream, candy, sodas, “cheap” food.
Speaking of Oscar Mayer, they’re currently running a “Good Mood” Mission on their website, and at the top of the main page you can you can finish this sentence, “it doesn’t get better than…” Here’s my contribution:
Click to enlarge.
Clearly, Maria’s parents have fed her the same garbage they’ve eaten since an extremely young age. That’s why she’s obese now. They’re responsible for her alarmingly high risk of diabetes, bone disease, heart disease, and death. They’re bad parents, and they’ve literally tortured their daughter for 14 years. Seriously, I don’t see how turning a child into a 445 pound, waddling carcass is any less severe than physically beating or molesting one. Child Protective Services should’ve come and taken Maria and her fat little brother away long before Maria needed extreme surgery(2), at an age where she can’t even drive into the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s with a Learner’s Permit.
Furthermore, while I consider Maria a victim now, her parents are raising her to be as weak and worthless a member of society as they are. If doctors told me I needed to stop gaining weight otherwise I would die in two years — and I was terrified because I wanted to live and had so much to do — I wouldn’t just drown my sorrows in a bucket of KFC, and decide my fate was out of my hands. I’d, as Maria says in the beginning of the video, hop on a treadmill. I wouldn’t get on a diet, I would change my diet. Congratulations, Maria’s parents, you’re teaching your daughter to not take responsibility for her actions, to blame her condition on factors outside her control, and that the only way to self-betterment is through the handouts of others. Congratulations, you are the new America.
WII SPORTS VS. REAL SPORTS
In the video, when CNN’s Randi Kaye says, “She’s off junk food, getting regular exercise,” we’re shown a scene where Maria is playing a video game on Nintendo’s Wii gaming console with her younger brother. That’s not exercise! When I play God of War 3 on the PlayStation, I get so excited I actually stand up when I play. I kick my sofa and yell at the little guy on the screen and throw my controller. Then I have to run into the next room to find it, and kneel down to pick it up. Countless times. Guess what? None of that is even close to working out. Neither is driving to the store to buy a new controller.
If you believe playing video games on the Wii or playing Wii Fit or Wii Sports is exercise you are an idiot. If you are a parent, and you believe when your children play the Wii it’s exercise, you shouldn’t be allowed to raise them. “Yeah, but it’s a step in the right direction.” No, it’s not. Put your kids into a soccer league or Pop Warner football; put them in gymnastics or even Tae Kwon Do. Something. You can’t even compare playing the Wii to that half hour, 45 minutes, whatever of that kind of activity time. Aside from the actual exercise, the respect, discipline, and responsibility kids learn, the relationships they build from the social interaction are far more beneficial than any time spent in front of the TV, swinging a plastic “nunchuck”(3).
AMERICA NEEDS A PUNCH IN THE FACE(4)
The fact that a 14-year-old girl needs 80 percent of her stomach removed in an attempt to not be obese is deplorable. We’re all lazy and weak and need a strong wake up call. I’ve been told if I presented my arguments more diplomatically, more people would listen. All TLC has gotten us is triple-decker BLTs. We’ve gotten so out of control, verbal abuse and ass-kicking(4) is really the only option.
Parents, you are failing your children, and failing the responsibility to your country to raise them to be something other than pathetic leeches on society. Stop letting your kids play their Nintendo DS at the dinner table (if you even eat at the dinner table at all) and talk to them, instead. God forbid you get to know them, encourage them, or raise them after you brought them into this world. God forbid you think before you have kids, 300 pound Oakland mother who suffocates her two-year-old (and also has younger child and is pregnant).
Rise and shine, Obese America. If my taxes are going to go up because of your heavy, heavy burden on health care, well then, it’s open season.
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1. Side Note: Why was the entire family walking in the middle of the street? I get it; they’re all too space-consuming to effectively fit into a sidewalk shot but what does this teach about traffic-safety, CNN? There is literally no room for a car to pass; collectively, they take up the entire length of the street, and they’re not exactly fast movers.
2. Maria’s parents aren’t the only ones. I think this should apply to any obese family.
3. This coming from someone who sucked at sports as a kid. (Also, failure is great for kids; it teaches them they don’t want it to happen all the time, and how to strive for greatness despite their shortcomings.)
4. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
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VIDEO LINK:
AC360: Video: Teen Turns to Weight Surgery
Posted: March 24th, 2010 | Author: Chris Walker | Filed under: Idiots, Social Commentary | No Comments »
